How an ayahuasca trip awakened me to a dark inner secret
Ayahuasca is a psychotropic substance that has its cultural and botanical roots in Peru. When I studied abroad in Peru in 2008, our anthropology class gave us readings and lessons on it, including visiting a drug addiction rehabilitation center there in which ayahuasca is the main healing agent for patients. We didn't take any as students which was wise but years later I was able to find a healing prayer circle.
Ayahuasca use is against the law but not as much as you think. Court case Division v. Smith (1990) set a legal precedent, I just learned in my Health Law & Policy graduate course at Boston University, that drugs such as peyote and ayahuasca can be used legally for religious purposes.
Many people go to this "medicine" seeking awakenings and answers. From my experience and from hearing the experience of others' it is a great tool for awakening us from emotional numbness and showing us where we need to do work in our lives.
The first time I joined a sacred circle I was instructed to ask the medicine a specific question. "This is ridiculous," I thought, "drugs can't answer specific questions." But I did as I was instructed: I asked about some recurring physical pain I'd been suffering in my womb region. I had cervical cancer at age 26 and then subsequent frequent painful yeast infections and heavy bleeding. I had been reading Caroline Myss that year and she talks about the messages in our physical ailments.
Check out my book recommendations on how to read the messages in our physical pain here.
I asked the medicine: "If you tell me what this pain is all about, I'll do the work I promise."
I sat back and waited. This medicine is INTENSE! It is not for anyone with gentle sensibilities, just FYI if you're curious about it. Do it only if you feel you can handle some serious discomfort.
The answer to my question hit me like a flash bulb. No answer has ever been so clear and direct. I was shocked!
The medicine said to me: "Do you even believe in life?"
Boom. Whoa.
I was left to ponder this over the coming days and months. What does it mean to believe in life? What was my attitutude about existing? About all of life existing?
I realized I had been carrying around this dark feeling that was a secret to me:
I'd inherited it from the world: from the grown-ups of my childhood, from teachers, from the media, from society, from western religion, from environmentalist ideology, from my college courses. It went something like this: human life is bad. We're all bad. We're sinners. We're terrible. We're ruining everything. We're destroying the planet.
It went further: why even exist at all. This is all meaningless and pointless. Why do I even want to be here? It's too hard. I can't do it. I don't want to do it.
This is some heavy shit! I had been carrying this weight of cynacism around with me my whole life and not even realizing it! The medicine helped me see it in an instant! I started to evaluate whether the way I saw things was the only way to see things.
Turns out it wasn't. It never is. I decided to choose a new way: gratitude.
Each morning I wake up and I say, "I'm so glad I'm here in this life. This day is a gift. How will I best use this gift?" I started to focus on seeing beauty--noticing the small things, slowing down. It has been a huge shift. I'm still working on it.
If you are carrying around cynicism you might say, "but the world IS full of tragedy and suffering." Absolutely. It is. And we have so much work to do to end suffering and make the world a better place than it was when we arrived. We cannot lose faith in this work. That hopelessness is too dark and too heavy.
Try viewing life as a precious gift and see what happens. No ayahuasca required.
Oh, and the physical pain I had gone in with? That disappeared for several years. I had to seek treatment for lady-part pain a year ago but that resolved quickly. The chronic pain and infections I was used to