5 More First Dates & a Second Date - Summer in Turkey | Romance x Rail Part 2
I started the Romance x Rail (RxR) project on March 26th, 2024. You can read Part 1, which was called “8 weeks, 7 countries, 5 dates. Dating from Paris to Istanbul: here’s what went down,” here.
The goal of the RxR project has been to find a “soul mate” type romantic partner while traveling and dating. This segment of my journey outlined in “Part 2” happened between May 30th and July 19th, 2024 in Turkey. I’m working remotely full-time as a consultant in trauma-informed care and psychological safety space, having founded Tend Collective with 3 others this past February.
To recap, I traveled by train and bus from Paris to Istanbul in the first leg of this trip. I was waiting to see how that went before planning my summer and future travels. Maybe I would meet someone on a date I wanted to see again—who knows? I left room for possibility.
As mentioned in Part 1, I arrived in Istanbul from Sophia on Sunday, May 12th and stayed until Sunday May 19th when I flew back to New England for my cousin's wedding.
My itinerary:
Istanbul, Turkey —> Boston, Massachusetts, USA - Flew to Boston on Sunday, May 19th
Boston —> Portland, Maine, USA —> Boston - By train roundtrip May 24th-28th
I mention this part only because:
I took a train in the US! We don’t do public transit very well, which is lamentable. But this train from Boston to Portland was great—one of the best train trips of my project. Why? It was clean, the seats were spacious, the ticket-takers were nice, there weren’t any annoying passengers nearby, and the vibes were good.
I was open to matching with an American on dating apps and dating an American. I swiped a little and chatted with one guy in Portland but didn’t really feel a strong connection. No dates happened.
Boston, USA —> Istanbul - Arrived by plane late on Thursday, May 30th
Istanbul, Turkey —> Goreme/Cappadocia, Turkey - Took an overnight bus on Friday, June 28th, arriving on Saturday, June 29th in the morning
Goreme —> Konya, Turkey - Took a bus on Saturday, July 6th
Konya —> Antalya, Turkey - Took a bus on Sunday, July 7th
Antalya, Turkey —> London, UK - Flew on Friday, July 19th - I will detail what came next in Part 3
There are trains in Turkey but they don’t connect every place. It’s more convenient to fly between cities in Turkey because it’s a vast land area, but I always prefer to take a train or bus so I can see the landscape and reduce my carbon footprint. There’s a very romantic train I want to take at some point, the “Dogu Ekspresi” (Eastern Express)
“Eastern Express departs from Ankara Train Station and goes to Kars Train Station. The 1,300-kilometer (808-mile) long route lasts around 25 hours.” It has views of gorgeous landscapes throughout the country. (Learn more here).
How long I was in each place:
Boston & Portland, USA - 11 days
Kadiköy, Istanbul, Turkey - 4 weeks (+ the week in Part 1 before the wedding, for a total of 5 weeks)
Göreme, Turkey - 1 week
Konya, Turkey - 1 day/night
Antalya, Turkey - 2 weeks
How did I choose this route?
All but a handful of European countries are in this thing called the “Schengen Area,” where they’ve all agreed that visitors from the US (and other places outside the Area) can visit collectively for a maximum of 90 days every 180 days. These days do not have to be consecutive. It’s just at any given day, during the past 180 days, did you spend 90 of them in the Schengen Area? If so and you don’t have another visa, you gotta get out.
I use an app to enter all my Schengen travel days and it shows me how many days I have left on the calendar. Because it’s tough to count to 90.
Here’s a screenshot from the app from this time of writing (it’s October 1st, 2024). I’m presently in Scotland, which is outside the Schengen Area. I’m traveling to Turkey next with a stopover in France to drop off some luggage, then back to France which is in the Schengen Area. The number “6” is telling me I could stay 6 more days given the days I’ve already blocked out on the calendar, some of which are in the future. It gives the chance to play around with different dates to see and plan, which is great.
Turkey is outside the Schengen Area, is an affordable place to be a digital nomad, and still has the infrastructure of Europe. It ended up being perfect (and because they love cats, also purrfect) and enchanting.
I didn’t use all of my Schengen days in Part 1, so I could return in less than 90 days if I wanted to.
Did I stick to my goals in Part 2?
My intentions:
Have a “feeling of adventure” (Sartre) ✔
Stay curious ✔
Cultivate gratitude ✔
Make solid plans but be flexible and go with the flow ✔
Talk to strangers ✔
Prioritize staying in and working at (coworking offices, for example) places where I can meet and talk to people ✔
Go on dates ✔
Find a “Soul Mate” type partner ✗
I did much better at talking to strangers in Part 2. Or rather…in Turkey, the strangers came to me…a lot.
When I traveled to Peru, on my first solo trip abroad at age 23 in December of 2007, I met and shared dinner one night in Puno with a Dutch couple, approximately my age. They told me that the woman in the couple had died her hair brown from blonde so as to not stand out as much to Peruvian men, who leer and catcall. Later when I traveled solo to Colombia in 2014, I received a lot of catcalling and unprovoked flirations from men there, from taxi drivers to men on the street. I was curious if this was a Latin American thing, a Global South thing, or a Euro-centric thing (wherein people of European descent are idolized/prized/valued because we have the most wealth and power, even if we’re simultaneously despised as colonizers and oppressors).
So I was curious if in Turkey, which has one foot in Europe, and one in Asia/The Middle East, I would get the same (mostly) unwanted attention as in Latin America, or whether I’d be (mostly) ignored as though I were in the US, Canada, or Europe.
I ended up getting so much attention on the street that I finally had a sobbing breakdown of exasperation. I’ll detail that below.
Turkish men and foreign women
I found a Reddit thread titled, “Why do I notice so many Turkish men flirting and/or trying to attract foreign women?” Here are some quotes or summarized ideas from the responses:
“‘Historically, foreign (foreign referring mostly to West/North Europeans) women were not subject to the traditional patriarchial restrictions of Greek and Turkish society. No irate Turkish or Greek or father or elder brother was going to come after you with a meat cleaver.’ (quoting a Quora response by Nick Nicholas)
Simply put, a lot of Turkish men see non-Turkish women as ‘easier to get’. They're not considered to be from a society as restrictive as Turkey when it comes to sexuality. Thus, easier to ‘have fun’ with.”
“Their goal is to get married and have citizenship.”
“They want to get the heck out of this country and settle in Europe somehow and think that dating someone from an EU country could simplify that. Moving to a more developed city within Turkey could make things even harder if you're trying to live a decent life with average standards; the lira has been devaluating in an unprecedented level for the last couple years and the purchasing power is going downhill, leading to a Turkey where almost half the population is living under the poverty line. Hence, even if it's not their prime motive, it certainly is a factor all Turkish men (and women) take into consideration when dating someone from Europe or the States.”
“turkish men attract to everything.”
“For some, foreigners simply seem more exotic and interesting. For others, getting a foreign spouse could be a key to get out of the country and emigrate to a better place.”
“Any forgeiner woman= sluts thats thats what the avarage turks thinks”
“Because most of their lives are completely empty. They have no hobbies and good stuff to do. (Due to being economically bad etc. etc.)”
“Turksih men are not only attached to foreign women. They are attached to every breathing female 😄. Not joking. it may be because of sun increasing hormone levels or maybe something cultural. Turkish men love women. And Turkish women are used to Turkish men and they know how to resist their demands. But foreign women make easy target for Turkish men. Also in Turkiye European type women considered more attractive not because of their wealth and prosperity but because of their physical appearance.”
So, it’s a few different things that are intuitive—there are better perceived economic opportunities in the USA and Europe, making White women potentially viewed as more valuable—and foreign women in general are seen as outside their culture so they may not have to follow the same rules as with Turkish women when it comes to making romantic and sexual advances.
I also brought positive expectations and hopes with me about dating Turkish men due to a positive experience I had last Fall dating a Turkish man while traveling in Europe (and part of my inspiration for this project). I found him to be very warm and more physically affectionate than American men, which I enjoyed. There’s a John Gottman, relationship expert, book in which he talks about a study where they observed couples out at a restaurant on a date and how often they physically touched each other. I can’t remember how all the countries ranked exactly except that Americans touched each other a grand total of ZERO times on the date, compared with people from other countries who touched each other upwards of 100 times. The Turkish guy I dated last fall wanted to hold hands and wanted me to sit right next to him if we were at a cafe together so that he could put a hand affectionately on my leg or arm. It was so endearing. “Must be able hold hands,” has become an official deal breaker for me in dating.
The dates!
As with Part 1, all the men will be called “John” but in their home country's language, for fun, and for their anonymity. The name “Can” in Turkish is not the equivalent, translation-wise of “John” but it’s pronounced “John” because the C = a “J sound” in Turkish.
I looked up “what’s the Turkish version of “John” and the internet says “Yahya” just like the Persian/Iranian version from my last blog. But Can is more prevalent, so I’m using Can.
Istanbul - 2 first dates and my first second date!
Johann 10 - a date
Can 11
Can 12
Can 13 - a date
Can 14
Göreme - 2 dates
John 15 - a date
Ivan 16 - a date
Konya - no dates
Antalya - 1 date
Yehia 17
Can 18 - a date
I didn’t go on dates with all of these men—for 3 of them, as you’ll see, they asked me out but I declined. But in Part 1, I included a few men with whom I chatted but didn’t meet so I included a few here as well.
How will I discuss the “s-word”?
These date summary blogs are written for a wide audience that includes family members, former high school teachers, and colleagues. I’m not afraid of writing overtly about the 3-letter-word—and I have things to say!—but not here in these date summary posts. So I will follow the “yadda yadda” method—briefly alluding to it or implying while glossing over all details.
Istanbul
Johann 10 | German | Age = mid 30s | Bumble app
When I returned to Istanbul from my cousin’s wedding in Maine, it took me all week to shake off the East Coast time zone—I couldn’t fall asleep until 5 AM, which is 11 PM back in the US.
One of those nights I stayed at a café writing until midnight, returning home at 12:30 AM, whereupon I started, somewhat mindlessly, swiping on Bumble, the dating app. At around 1 AM I matched with a cute German guy and noticed that we had overlapping music tastes. “I love Lane 8!” I quickly fired off, seeing it listed as a top musician in the Spotify-connected section of his profile in which Spotify auto-populates a list of the person’s most-listened-to artists. Then I added below, “(Your profile is cool too)”. He responded and laughed and we started messaging each other rapid-fire. We had the same sense of humor and it was easy and fun. He was actually in Istanbul by accident—it was supposed to be a short connection for another flight to a country in Africa, but that flight had been canceled and he was rescheduled for a new flight the next day.
“Oh darn, he’s leaving tomorrow,” I thought, the irony lost on me at the time that this is how I’d been dating since I started my “Romance x Rail” dating project in March—letting each date know that I was only staying in each city for a few days as I journeyed across Europe from Paris to Istanbul on schedule. Karma is a bitch.
The flirting in our text conversation reached a level of intensity at which point I started thinking, “Would it be totally insane if I met him right now at 2 AM?” I was wide awake and would be for several hours. I dropped my phone on the bed where I was sitting and just stared at it for about 20 minutes. “Too bad we didn’t get the chance to meet,” I ended up texting him after the pause.
He responded by asking me if it would be totally insane to meet up right now. We had been sitting there on each end thinking the same thing. I thought about it for another 10 minutes and finally decided I was game if he sent an Uber to pick me up and sent me links to his social media profiles so I could see that he was a trustworthy person with social ties. He sent me his LinkedIn profile in which he had something like twenty thousand followers. I was shocked to find that we had 3 connections in common. Whoa. Maybe it makes sense that we get along so easily if we have similar social circles.
I agreed to meet and he sent an Uber. He was in a different part of sprawling Istanbul, home to 17 million residents. 30 minutes later, at 3 AM, I was at his 5-Star hotel. His room was insanely large and beautiful—I think bigger than the house I grew up in. He opened a bottle of wine and we sat on the couch and talked and talked and talked. It felt so fun and easy.
We went to bed as the sun came up.
There’s a popular TikToker, who coincidentally uses the character name of “Johannes", who makes fun of what it’s like to date a German man.
Links to these videos:
So, yadda, yadda…In the morning as I was leaving, he asked me if I would leave the room a little ahead of him because “I only paid for 1 person in the room and I don’t want them to charge me for 2”. I was shocked and appalled. It seemed so paranoid and irrational! And cold.
But so on point based on the comedian’s jokes about dating German men! I guess he’s not really joking…
He got on his flight to his destination on the other side of the globe. I didn’t have any expectations but typically, would expect to text in a friendly way for a few days. At some point in our conversation the night before he shared, “this is the best conversation I’ve had all year.” So I thought at the very least we’d be friendly for a few days or weeks with the occasional message here or there and at the best, we’d make plans to meet again at some point in the future.
What I was not at all prepared for was his leaving me on unread and dropping the conversation completely after 1 day. I’d like to overexplain here that I’m a very chill person to date and text with—I don’t get clingy or needy. I keep things pretty bland and pleasant and without mushy platitudes. One might even say I’m detached or aloof and could add in a reasonable amount of neediness. So for him to just drop me after the night we’d had—this blew my mind.
I don’t think in the history of dating (including some short flings that were more sexual than dating), that anyone has ever shocked me with coldness in this way before. I’m thinking back on 20 years of dating as an adult and I literally cannot think of another time. As I said in this past blog post, I’ve always dated really sweet and kind men!
I want to give examples of 3 things he could have texted instead:
Hey Alison! It was great to connect with you last night. I’m not feeling a long-term connection and I’d rather not keep in touch. I wish you the best! - Johann
Hey, I’m so sorry I’m just not feeling it to keep in touch and I’m pretty distracted this week with all I have to do. It was great to meet you and I wish you the best.
I thought about it and while I really enjoyed our time together, I don’t want to stay in touch moving forward. Thanks for the thought-provoking conversation. I have no doubt you’ll find the great long-term connection you’re seeking and I send you warm well-wishes on your search. Best, Johann
I always send a closing text when I know I don’t want to keep communicating with or seeing a date. Always. If I ghost, it’s because this person has already walked over my boundaries in some way or proved to be irrational/scary. For normal, rational folks, I send a text saying “nah but [something warm and kind].” I always get a text of gratitude back. People can handle it and it’s the right thing to do.
I think some ghosters think they’re keeping the door open in the future if they change their mind. But you can close something and re-open it later. Here are examples:
Hey! I know a few months ago I said I didn’t want to keep dating. That’s because I was exploring something with someone else. It didn’t move forward with the other person and I’d love to see you again and explore our connection if you’re still single.
Hey! I know I closed things a few weeks ago but I was really overwhelmed with [stressful thing] and now I’m feeling better. I really liked our date/you and was wondering if you’d like to make plans again.
Sometimes we ghost because we don’t know what to say. But you can use one of my examples or ask chatGPT to write it or find a blog with samples and copy/paste. The internet has made it easy. Or ask a buddy to write it for you.
Sometimes we ghost because we’re flooded with uncomfortable feelings and shame. Dating, and especially sex (and especially, especially casual sex before we really have gotten to know someone), can bring up feelings of shame, discomfort, anxiety, and guilt, especially if we have any sexual trauma, or if we experienced childhood sexual abuse. While I have so much compassion for overwhelming feelings associated with trauma, as adults, its each of ours task to heal and treat others with dignity and respect. Each time we send an uncomfortable text, we re-wire our brain to push through the discomfort and set a new neural pathway in which healthy communication is easy and effortless.
Note: If you struggle to complete tasks that emotionally overwhelming, I got you. You can work with me as your “Emotion Coach.” [LINK COMING SOON.]
But I didn’t dwell. I deleted our conversation. “Thank you, next!”
I thought about how I need to be more mindful of how I spend my energy. Are 1-night flings—which can be fun—part of my dating strategy? Sometimes the right fling can increase self-confidence because it reminds us that we’re attractive. Sexual energy is often also creative energy—a feeling of aliveness. Connecting with someone in an intense and electric way could bring good energy in that makes us attractive to another long-term partner.
But, as in this case, if it’s met with rude and dismissive behavior, it can also bring our energy down or simply waste our time.
I checked in with myself and decided that these types of “dates” or romantic encounters were going to mostly hinder my forward momentum towards finding a soul mate-type partner and should be avoided. I had some great flings in my 20s and had an enlivening fling as recently as 2020—this one could only be short-term but I felt energized by it, not drained, and I’m positive that it helped me feel more attractive as I continued dating.
And I made a note that I maybe didn’t want to date any other German guys. “What’s the deal with them?” I texted a girlfriend who had lived in Germany for a long time, relaying the details of this weird and off-putting encounter. “Collective trauma response,” she said.
There are about to be a whole bunch of Turkish guys now…
Can 11 | mid 40s | In the wild
Earlier last year, the YouTuber Shera Seven, started taking over TikTok by storm. Her direct and often humorous advice to women on how to stop dating broke men (who she calls “dusties”) and how to stop giving away so much emotional labor for free. She has surprisingly direct advice with strategies on how to meet, date, and marry a wealthy man who will “provide”. She’s hilarious, blunt, and impressively influential, with video views into the multi-millions. She has reshaped our entire dating culture right now and I’m not exaggerating in the least—definitely check her out! Her book is titled “I Bring Nothing to the Table: A Level-Up Concept”.
What she’s saying by “I bring nothing to the table,” is actually that women typically bring so much emotionally labor to the table, that we should not be also offering money. There are a lot of ways this isn’t true for modern, egalitarian couples. And it’s possible to have a female bread-winner and a man doing the emotional labor. I think, ultimately, what’s great about her message is telling women to value themselves and all that they give to relationships. We should do it all—we shouldn’t work full time, do all the housework, do most of the child-rearing, AND all of the emotional labor. The man needs to contribute as well. This is a needed message for modern times (last 50 years) where men have decreasing economic power and value. It’s one reason I think dating in the US sucks so bad—the wealthy elite have siphoned off all the wealth and there’s not a great path to being an economic provider now like there has been in the past for men. Instead of blaming the corporate takeover of politics like they should, many men have decided to blame women, becoming even more violent, resentful, and bitter—creating a new class of men called “incels” which stands for “involuntarily celebate.”
Her videos have been unavoidable on TikTok so I’ve seen a lot of them. I enjoy them! She’s hilarious, she's whip smart, she understands people, she understands evolutionary neurobiology, and she has some good ideas, even amidst the more extreme ones.
She has a lot of tips and thoughts on dating “providers,” which does sound cringe. One is that wealthy men love cars. Another is that women who want to level up their dating should leave their neighborhood and go to a wealthier neighborhood, looking nice, and just hang out—lurk, if you will—solo. See what happens.
“Okay, what will happen if I just go to a wealthy neighborhood and hang out?” I thought. Bebek is the nicest neighborhood in Istanbul, and one I wanted to explore anyway but it was funny to put a Shera twist on the excursion. One day I took a ferry and a bus up there and found a cafe to write in (maybe I was even writing the Part 1 blog!). I looked cute.
As I left the cafe, I saw this cool vintage mustang out front that was striking because it had been fully restored and looked immaculate. I was especially intrigued because it’s an American car and I love convertibles.
I’m not sure if I would have stopped to admire it without Shera’s voice somewhere deep in my subconscious but, as if on cue, about 30 seconds after stoppingg to admire it, the owner popped up out of seemingly nowhere and chatted me up, asking for my number.
“Whoa!” I thought, “So that really works.” Scarily accurate.
He messaged me a lot but I never went out with him. I just thought it was absolutely insane that I could go to a wealthy neighborhood, admire a nice car, and have men come to me. IF YOU TRY THIS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS. I’d love to collect more data—especially with even nicer cars. Go stand by a Rolls Royce or Bugatti and see what happens (then tell me!!).
This guy sent me a lot of messages. I didn’t tell him “no” outright but I never said yes. I loved getting dramatic professions of love from Turkish men on dating apps including this message from Can 11 that I put into Google translate:
Can 12 | early 30s | In the wild
One night I was sitting on the rocks by the water, following a guided meditation, writing and manifestation practice along with the audio book Mind Magic, which I can’t recommend enough, when I was approached by a guy who was sitting on another rock about 10 feet away.
It was dark out with just a little bit of light from a nearby streetlamp so how he knew he wanted to approach me I’LL NEVER KNOW. Maybe he was desperate and decided it was worth the risk.
He said something to me in Turkish and I shook my head at him. “English?” he asked. I nodded and he said, “Can I ask you a question?” Classic move. Smart.
I let him. I cannot remember the question.
He sat down and immediately I could smell his pungeant body odor. Whew! It was a sweat-inducing temperature out that day but had cooled off by the evening. He looked particularly sweaty in ill-fitting oversized clothing for his slim frame. His odor more gave me the impression that “this guy is hippier than I am,” than anything else negative. He was good-looking and intelligible enough that I let him stay and talk for a while. It turned out he also ran a niche consulting business and I shared about my niche consulting business. We swapped business challenges and I learned how he built and grew a thriving practice. It turned out that he had lived in California and got a graduate certificate from UC-Irvine.
He boldly proclaimed, “come over this Saturday. I’ll make you a traditional Turkish breakfast then we can [I can’t remember the suggested activity—maybe a tour of a neighborhood or museum].” I said maybe. He asked for my number. I said he could add me on Instagram.
The next day he messaged me on the ‘gram and I let him know I couldn’t make it. Not that into him.
At this point I still thought it was kinda neat to be approached “in the wild” by men. But after it kept happening and kept happening and I started to change my mind, breaking down and crying one evening. “I’m just existing and trying to live my life and they think I exist to talk to them if they want,” was where my frustrated part went.
One evening late at night I had stopped at a corner store to buy a bag of popcorn (Turkish people love popcorn as much as I do and I love them for it!). I was stooped down to the bottom row of packaged foodstuffs, reading the ingredients of each bag before making my choice, when an older man approached me. He seemed a little drunk. I can’t remember what he said initially but I wasn’t rude enough so he kept trying to get my number. “You’re saying, ‘there’s no chance?’” he kept saying, which was kind of funny. I laughed. “No, sorry.” I said, only to have him say it again. Finally, I ducked inside the shop to pay for my popcorn and lost him through the protection of the male store clerk. The store clerk raised his eyebrows in acknowledgment of the comical encounter, which I appreciated. Turkish people are warm and engaging—yes they saw what you think they saw and they’ll let you know.
Unwanted male attention
This sort of interaction just kept happening and I guess I felt sad that I had to be so immediately rude to any man around me just to ensure my space wouldn’t be invaded. I like talking to strangers! But these types of interactions wore on me and they weren’t men I ended up wanting to talk to. I appreciate men approaching women but they need to wait for a sign like eye contact, raised eyebrows, and/or a smile. For women, it’s our part to make sure to give these signals to men that it’s “safe to approach.”
In the end I learned to set better boundaries. As soon as a man would start to talk to me, I’d put my head down and ignore or be a little rude, maybe by saying “no thank you” immediately or putting my hand between us as a shield. That worked well. I never once felt unsafe in Turkey. If a man tried to talk to me, as soon as they could see I wasn’t interested through my new tactics, they backed off.
I need to add, though, that rates of violence against women in Turkey are higher than the global average. This is violence that happens within domestic partnerships—and that can be the easiest about which to have data. According to a 2021 report by World Economic Forum, “About 40 percent of Turkish women have suffered domestic violence at some point in their lives, exceeding rates in Europe and the US.” The global average is 30 percent of women. So, it’s good to be vigilant. I’m not sure about violence against tourists though. Men are dangerous to women, in general! I addressed this topic at length in this blog.
Can 13 | early 30s | Bumble app
While in Istanbul, I de-prioritized dating and prioritized getting work done for my new business. I became very picky about who to meet and so, didn’t go on many dates even though I was there for 5 total weeks.
Eventually, I matched with someone who seemed interesting: a Turkish guy who had done all of his college—from undergrad to PhD in data science in the UK. I realized that I probably would need to date only Turkish men who had lived in a Western country for a while because otherwise the cultures and mindsets are too far apart to have a good connection.
I read somewhere that when dating Turkish men, the woman has to set the plans or be specific on what we want to do so I became the most demanding version of myself, telling him, “I’d love to visit a rooftop bar at sunset”. This worked well and he responded, “I know the perfect spot and I’ll make dinner reservations.”
He was so communicative—I was impressed! He let me know when he’d confirmed the reservation and for what time well in advance. He even tried to get the table with the very best view but it was already booked. The view from where we were sitting:
It was a fun date that led to a second date in which we made dinner together at his place. I picked out the recipes and was impressed that he asked in advance what all was needed then made a grocery delivery order. I know it’s like the bare minimum but this guy was really young and a lot of men (sigh) don’t have their sh*t together.
He seemed to be a little bit insecure, so, in the end, we didn’t see each other again. I really liked him though. I thought he was fun, witty, whip smart, and asked me thoughtful questions. Specifically, he seemed insecure about his body and lack of athletic habits. He asked me a lot about my running and other athletic activities. It’s not a complete dealbreaker for me, but it seems best to date men who do comparable physical activity—this, practically, is because then we like to do the same things together. Say, go for a run, or a yoga class, or to the gym together.
This guy was not ethnically Turkish, although born and raised in Turkey. He explained that recent ancenstors had fled the Caucacus region of Russia when there was ethnic cleansing of Muslims. “The Circassian genocide, or Tsitsekun, was the Russian Empire's systematic mass murder, ethnic cleansing, and expulsion of 95–97% of the Circassian population, resulting in 1 to 1.5 million deaths during the final stages of the Russo-Circassian War.” I had never heard of this historical event before! Dating people from different countries can be so fascinating, even if they don’t end up being “the one.”
He shared about his hometown, which was inland in Turkey, and planted the idea in my head to head to Cappadocia, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.
Can 14 | late 30s | Bumble app then in the wild
I matched with him on Bumble and we chatted quite a bit before I decided I didn’t want to meet. I didn’t think he was a good intellectual match—the conversation wasn’t stimulating enough, even though he was cute.
But as fate would have it, I ended up on a boat with him about a week after unmatching. Ha!
I went to an electronic dance music rave on a boat one night by myself and it was one of the most fun nights I’d had in a long time. I saw him from across the boat and immediately recognized him from his photos. I checked in with myself about whether I wanted to approach him and say hi and I decided I just wasn’t up for it.
At the end of the evening, I was exhausted from dancing for hours and I went downstairs and sat down on a chair. He came in the room and chose a chair very close to me. Again I considered whether I wanted to talk and again decided “no”. I got up from my chair and approached a couple across the room that I had noticed had taken the ferry over from Kadikoy, across the Bosphorus, the water straight that separates the European side of Turkey from the Asian/Anatolian side. This ferry had stopped running due to the late hour and I was cuirous how they were getting home. They told me they were taking a different ferry and I joined them in the trek home, making friends and adding the woman on Instagram. I feel I made the better choice.
I was telling this story to a friend and they said, “I can’t believe your’e already randomly running into people you know in a city of 17 million people!”
Göreme/Cappadocia
Göreme and the surrounding Cappadocia are magical, mystical-feeling places due to the landscape of “fairy chimneys”. The landscape is made of “soft volcanic tuff” that’s easy to carve into. So there are cliff dwellings, cave cathedrals (I’ll share photos in another post!), and other carved monuments everywhere you go. I took the week off from work, as it was the week of Independence Day/4th of July in the US and many people are out of the office anyway. I wanted to go trail running every day. I had spent the previous 5 weeks in bustling, super-urban Istanbul, a city without many runners or a running instrastructure. It felt heavenly to head to this national park, breathe fresh air, and run for miles on the trails and not see another living human. My hostel room was carved into this volcanic rock, creating a cozy cave. It was in this environment that I had a magical “in the wild” (not on the apps) encounter with Ivan 16.
“Göreme Historical National Park, located in the volcanic zone of Hasan Mountain and Erciyes Mountain is formed of plateaus, plains, small mountain plants, high hills, alluvial stream and river valleys, drainage deltas and eroded steep valleys and high flat areas. Found in a spectacular landscape, entirely sculpted by erosion, the Goreme valley and its surroundings contain rock hewn sanctuaries that provide unique evidence of Byzantine art in the post iconoclastic period. Dwellings, troglodyte villages, underground towns, and the remains of a traditional human habitat dating back to the 4th century can also be seen there.”
John 15 | Mid 40s | Bumble app
Before I get to that magical “in the wild” encounter, let me first describe a “good enough” date I had with a Canadian guy (sorry, John 15! You were nice.).
I took an overnight bus from Istanbul and arrived at 8:00 AM. We matched on Bumble that day and made plans to meet in the evening. Our conversation was easy. I could tell he wasn’t exactly my type but that we’d probably have a good conversation. I thought it could be nice to connect with a fellow North American. He invited me for a date on the rooftop of his hotel/hostel and he bought a bottle of wine that we shared. It was very romantic! The view overlooking Göreme in every direction was impressive and we chatted and enjoyed the surrounding town views as the sun went down. We sat on brightly colored cushions on the floor around a low table. The view:
The conversation was okay but a little boring—no spark. I guess he interpreted that differently because he asked me out again the next day. I declined and then he left a few days later for his next destination. He wanted to keep texting and keep things open. He was nice enough to keep texting with for sure—but because I don’t ghost and don’t leave guys hanging, I sent him a formal message explaining that while it was nice to meet him, I wasn’t feeling a strong romantic connection. I wished him the best.
DON’T GHOST WHEN IT’S SO EASY TO BE CLEAR, YOU GUYS. Please.
Ivan 16 | Early 30s | In the wild
The next day I woke up around 8 AM, opened the door to my room, stepped out onto the patio connecting all the rooms, and there was a gorgeous man standing there. I was still groggy and not ready to be perceived by anyone until I’d at least splashed water on my face and brushed my teeth. We made eye contact though and it was electric. “Hi,” I said awkwardly. “Hi,” he said back. I scurried across the patio and ducked into a bathroom. Wtf.
When I came out he was gone, which was a relief.
I got dressed, brushed my hair, splashed said water upon my face, and went upstairs where there was a shared kitchen to make breakfast. I was enjoying it on their incredible balcony with a view of the enchanting town when he came back to find me and talk.
He’d just arrived on the overnight bus like I had done the day before and it turned out that he spoke exceptionally limited English. His phone had died and was charging so I installed a Russian keyboard on my iPhone so he could type into the Google Translate app so we could talk. He was from Kazakhstan, a country I’d never much thought about (like, at all, ever). This is where travel dating can be a learning experience! I googled Kazakhstan for some fun facts:
1. It has the longest border in the world, spanning more than 7,500 kilometers or 4,660 miles.
2. It’s home to 120 ethnic groups. The largest are the Kazakhs, then Russians, Ukranians, and Uzbeks.
3. It’s the largest land-locked country in the world.
4. It’s the 9th largest country in the world.
5. The name “Kazakhstant” means ‘wanderer or independent’ and speaks to the nation’s history as nomads.
6. It’s home to Lake Balkhash, the 15th largest lake in the world.
7. People there eat horse meat and drink horse milk.
—https://www.enjoytravel.com/us/travel-news/interesting-facts/interesting-facts-kazakhstan
He added me on Instagram and had absolutely no chill, immediately going through and liking every single photo I’d posted with me in it, adding a heart eyes emoji 😍 to one in particular. I’m not actually a big flirt. I can get impressively awkward and shut down when I’m attracted to someone or when anyone first with me. But I took a deep breath, called on the flirtiest, most confident version of myself, and responded to his heart eyes note with the blow kiss emoji 😘. It. was. ON.
I went out for an 11 mile trail run excursion that took the entire afternoon as I made my way through canyons, stopping to take photos, tour caves, and buy fresh watermelon juice from a stand. I came back to the hostel in a state of transfixed awe, showered, and got dinner at the restaurant in front of the hostel. While I was eating, he messaged me: “Have you figured out where to buy groceries here?” I hadn’t yet. He said he’d figure it out.
He got back to the hostel and I was sitting out front talking with another guest I befriended, a woman in her 40s from the Czech Republic. He stopped by our table, grocery bag in hand, leaned over and said in my ear, “I got you some chocolate.” He dropped it off on the table then headed upstairs to the shared kitchen and patio. “See you up there?” I nodded.
I headed upstairs after a while and most of the guests were watching one of the Eurocup games on TV, drinking beer, and chatting and joking around loudly. It was a fun atmosphere. I sat down next to him and noticed that he had made friends with other guests there, which was attractive.
He turned to me and said, “So, you read a lot of books?” He was referring to the Instagram post to which he’d added heart-eyed emojis. It was a series of images of me reading books. I find so many men to be aloof—pretending they didn’t see your Instagram posts or that they don’t care—starting from scratch, “So, what do you like to do?” It was sooooo refreshing to meet someone with good social skills. A first rule of talking to strangers is to notice something about the person and comment on it. He was noticing me and being very intentional about it, which was attractive.
“I read a lot.” I really, really do. “Do you?”
He shook his head and looked down with a shrug that said, “I know I should.” Mmm, this is one of my unofficial deal-breakers.
Despite his limited English and some use of the Google Translate app, he turned to me at some point in the evening and said, “How old are you?”
“39,” I answered.
“Why haven’t you you married and had kids? Are you waiting for Prince Charming?”
I was floored by his bluntness. It wasn’t rude or off-putting either. He was flirting but there was another thing—he knew his worth. And he wasn’t afraid of me even though he was attracted to me. Everything about interacting with him felt easy and straightforward.
He gave me a big smile then turned away and started joking around with the Kiwi (from New Zealand) guy next to him who was cycling across Turkey. “You know who you look like?” he said to him. The Kiwi thought about it and I looked at him, curious. I tried to think of who his celebrity look-alike was. “Shaggy, from Scooby Doo!” Ha! I don’t think either of us was going to guess a cartoon character. We all burst out laughing. It was true! The guy was tall and skinny with a mop of shaggy light hair. He looked a bit homeless because, well, he was. Ivan 16 was a life-of-the-party type of guy—animated and engaging—but not just putting on a show. He engaged and saw others, really noticing people.
I decided I needed to turn in for bed after the long day on the trails I’d had.
“Have you seen the balloons yet?” Ivan 16 asked me. I hadn’t but I wanted to. “The balloons” are the hot air balloons pictured above. You’ve probably seen them on social media too. Each morning, if it’s not too windy, about 100 hot air balloons go up at sunrise. Guests in the area wake up while it’s still dark and either join a balloon they’ve booked in advance and go into the air, or hike up to a viewing point to watch them all. It’s a very Instagram-able experience.
“Do you want to watch them with me tomorrow?”
I did. So we made plans to meet at 5:30 AM on the patio.
We were both promptly there right on time and headed up the hill behind the hostel. I had seen online that it cost about $1 to go up the hill from the town and had brought cash with me. He hadn’t. So technically I paid for this date—a whole $2.
This is one of the cases where I wouldn’t expect him to pay for our dates, though (see paragraph about this in Part 1). The payscales in Kazakhstan are significantly lower than they are in the US. In order to travel for a few weeks each summer, he has to save up all year.
We got up to the hill and disappointingly, it was too windy for balloons that day. We stayed and watched the sun come up over a table mountain. There was a bitter cold wind and he hadn’t worn a warm-enough jacket. We moved toward each other and embraced under the pretext of staying warm. This led to a kiss. And taking a selfie together.
“Do you like me?” he asked. I nodded. “I like you,” he said.
We stayed like that watching the sun light up the landscape for about half an hour before we descended the hill. He was an athlete and sport coach and I could feel how strong he was in his embrace. It felt comforting to stand there with him like that, held, while the warm glow of new sunlight began to pour over us.
Photo of me by Ivan 16.
The view that morning.
We got back to the hostel and sat down a coach on the patio. It was early and we were tired so we needed to go back to bed. He was leaving in a few hours for his next destination, then in a few days, back to Kazakhstan. After sitting there together in complete silence for a few minutes, it seemed that the only reasonable thing to was to type out on Google translate from English to Russian: “Do you want to stay in my bed?” He nodded.
When I sent the selfie out to my best girlfriends later that day with a story update many of them commented, “This was a first date? He already looks in love with you!”
I don’t know if the magic of Cappadocia rubbed off on us, or if we had soul mate potential for each other, but I felt a little bit in love with him too—and not in a desperate way—in a way that felt like mutual respect, admiration, and attraction.
Konya
I was only here 1 night—no dates! I did swipe a little on the apps and everyone said something like, “What the heck are you doing in Konya?” It’s not a top tourist destination, which was part of its magic. I can’t wait to show my photos and summary from this excursion in another post.
Antalya
Yehia 17 | early 40s | In the wild
So, briefly, I met this guy in the back of a bus.
A tour bus, that is. We both belonged to a coworking office in Antalya and someone planned a mountain excursion. We found that we had both picked the back row on either side and started talking on the windy 2 hour ride up. We had a ton in common—both into mystical experiences and meditation, cold plunges a la Wim Hof, and self-improvement. He was from Egypt but had been living in Antalya for years. He worked for an American company in sales.
We had a great time talking—we talked pretty much the whole day, hiking, swimming, then a wild adventure in which we were out of service and needed to reconnect with our driver but had hiked to a swimming hole in the middle of nowhere. The group was about 10 of us—it was a really fun day!
He asked me out…I was already getting friends-only vibes but the kicker…he asked if I wanted to come hang out at his place. Maybe if I was really into him that would have seemed sexy but I was like, “at your house?!” What about coffee or dinner or something? Nope, nope. I declined. In this case I wasn’t sure if his intentions were romantic—he seemed into me. But I did actually want to stay friends. We’ve texted a few times since.
Can 18 | early 40s | Bumble app
So on the Bumble app, users can enter a prompt to start conversations. At some point this year, they changed the app so that men could start conversations. When the app launched, the thing that made them unique was that only women could message first. I liked this in theory but it reality, it got to feeling like a tiresome burden to always message first. Sometimes I just didn’t have a good conversation starter—and maybe they did so why not let them go first?
My prompt for a long time was “What’s one small life regret of yours?” The intention was to get silly and trivial things from people. But 97% of Turkish men took this prompt way too seriously—not fun! “It’s not good to live your life with regrets,” many of them would say. Yawwwwn….! Or they’d tell me something that was NOT small that was in the realm of trauma dumping. Whoa, whoa, whoa I don’t need to know your deepest, darkest secrets, bro.
Can 17 passed the vibe check by answering my question with something appropriately petty (“I regret having a cigarette earlier today” I think it was) and then asked me the question back (a lot of guys forget to ask back and that’s an unmatch from me). I thought he was cute and from his profile, I could see that he had been living in France—so he passed the requirement of being a Turkish man who spent decent time in a more Western country.
They say that the red flags you notice in the beginning will be with you throughout a relationship with someone. I almost canceled on him because of his strange behavior, and as I got to know him more over time, the very same thing would be the reason I moved on.
I knew I wanted to meet him so I skipped over small talk over text and asked him if he wanted to meet because I was flying to London on Friday. He said yes. I work M-F US hours, which means late into the night in Turkey, but I can always re-arrange my schedule to start and end my day earlier if I have a date. I let him know that I could meet Wednesday or Thursday and the exact times my meetings were over.
Meeting Wednesday didn’t work out so it was down to Thursday. “I get out of my meeting at 8pm,” I said and let him know which neighborhood I was in. At this point, y’all, I just need the other person to say, “Great, let’s meet at 8:30 at _____.” In this case, Antayla was his hometown—he knows it back to front (I don’t).
But he didn’t do this. He asked a follow-up question about when I could meet [insert emoji with spiral glazed eyes here]. He never was able to set up the date so after my meeting I called him. After talking for a few minutes he picked a spot to meet nearby. “But I have a few tasks to do,” he said. I’ll text you when I’m done and we can meet.
YOU GUYS. He texted me an hour later! At 9:15. I had an early flight to London the next morning. I was typing out a message to tell him “never mind I’m turning in for bed,” when he was like, “Okay, see you there in 15?”
I met him there in the spirit of my dating quest and he gave me a sad, limp handshake that broke my heart. We walked and talked for an hour before I said I had to get back and go to bed. I shared that I was nervous to take public transit to the airport because I wasn’t sure I’d get there in time for my early flight due to the late time of the first tram. He said I should for sure take a cab and drove me to a cab stand and went inside with me and booked my cab. It was really sweet and I felt cared for. He said if there were any issues with the cab arriving to call him and he would personally take me to the airport.
He then dropped me off (in his car) at my hostel and I was really hoping that we would kiss (inside a car is a great make-out spot) but he gave me a hug goodbye that was as limp and sad as the handshake to start. He was handsome, smart and interesting. I was bummed our date was so short! I had been escalating physical contact with him on the date by touching his arm while talking but he just did not ever pick up on the hint.
My cab arrived with no issues the next morning and I took my flight.
What next?
I had plans to go to London for a weekend, then to Norway for a friend’s wedding—but after that I wasn’t really sure.
“Is there anyone I dated that I’d like to see again?” I pondered. I looked through everyone, reviewing the dates and dates-that-could-have-been.
I narrowed it down to 2 top choices:
Jean 6 – we never met in Paris but we’d had a really lively and stimulating text exchange. I somehow knew we’d have a great time if we met.
Janos 5 – the guy who had “Big Gulped” me in Budapest (see Part 1). We’d had a good walk-n-talk (“vague date”) and I’d been curious if we’d keep getting along well if we spent more time together.
Then I thought about how if they weren’t pursuing me, it probably wasn’t worth it. So I let it go.
But then I talked to a girlfriend who said, “just text them! What’s the worst that could happen?” After a glass of wine one night I text Jean 6. “So are we going to meet up or what?” I included a reference to the first text he had sent me when we first matched. It was fun and flirty.
He got right back to me, “yes, let’s do it!”
So I made plans to be in Paris for the Olympics, which I had been wanting to do.
In the meantime, Can 17 and I started texting a lot and talking several times a week by phone or FaceTime.
To be continued in Part 3…
Tallies
Nationalities of the men I went on IRL (In Real Life) dates with:
Germany - I
Turkey - II
Canada - I
Kazakhstan - I
Hair color of the men I went on IRL dates with (to establish whether I have a “type”):
Gray - 0
Med-Dark Brown - II
Brown/Red - 0
Black - I
Blonde or Light Brown - II
Red - 0
Did we kiss?
Yes - III
No - II
How I connected with the men I went on IRL dates:
The League app - 0
Bumble app - IIII
In the wild (out in real life) - I
Hinge app - 0
OKCupid app - 0
Average age:
36 (I’m 39, for reference)
Age range = 31-45
The average age was 36 in Part 1 as well and coincidentally it was here too!
Height (I’m 5’10” or 178cm)
A lot taller than me - III
A bit taller than me - I
Same height as me - I
A bit shorter than me - 0
Quite a bit shorter - 0
Date asked me questions about myself while on the date:
Asked questions - V
Didn’t ask questions - 0
Date paid for the date:
Paid - IIII
We split it - 0
I Paid - I
No costs - N/A
