8 weeks, 7 countries, 5 dates. Dating from Paris to Istanbul: here’s what went down
I took 5 trains and 3 buses from Paris to Istanbul, dating in each city. Here’s a summary of who I dated, when, and how it went.
My itinerary:
Paris, France - I arrived by plane from San Luis Obispo, CA, USA, on Tuesday, March 26
Paris, France —> Strasbourg, France - by train on Sunday, March 31st
Strasbourg, France —> Basel, Switzerland - by train Tuesday, April 2nd
Basel, Switzerland —> Zurich, Switzerland - by train on Wednesday, April 10th
Zurich, Switzerland —> Innsbruck, Austria - by train on Tuesday, April 16th
Innsbruck, Austria —> Budapest, Hungary - by train on Friday, April 19th
Budapest, Hungary —> Belgrade, Serbia - by bus on Friday, April 26th
Belgrade, Serbia —> Sophia, Bulgaria - by bus on Friday, May 3rd
Sophia, Bulgaria —> Istanbul, Turkey - by bus on Sunday, May 12th
—-
Flew back to Boston for a New England wedding - Sunday, May 19th
Flew back to Istanbul from Boston - Thursday, May 30th
—-
Istanbul, Thursday, May 30th - until now - a new leg of the trip begins! (for a separate blog post!)
How long I was in each place:
Paris, France - 5 days/5 nights
Strasbourg, France - 1 1/2 days/2 nights
Basel, Switzerland - 8 days/8 nights
Zurich, Switzerland - 6 days/6 nights
Innsbruck, Austria - 2 days/3 nights
Budapest, Hungary - 6 days/7 nights
Belgrade, Serbia - 7 days/7 nights
Sophia, Bulgaria - 8 1/2 days/9 nights
Istanbul, Turkey - 6 days/7 nights (the leg before the wedding, more in total, now)
How did I choose this route?
As I shared here on my inspiration page, I chose this route from Paris to Istanbul based on a computer game I loved as a pre-teen: The Last Express in which an American main character travels by train in 1914, just as World War I is starting. The game had a very romantic feel and was beautiful and enchanting so it just felt fun to travel the same (or rather, a similar) route.
What was my goal?
You can check out my Romance x Rail project page to learn more. Here is the page where I laid out my intentions.
Did I do what I sent out to do with my intentions? Here’s what I wrote:
Have a “feeling of adventure” (Sartre) ✔
Stay curious ✔
Cultivate gratitude ✔
Make solid plans but be flexible and go with the flow ✔
Talk to strangers ✔
Prioritize staying in and working at (coworking offices, for example) places where I can meet and talk to people ✔
Go on dates ✔
Find a “Soul Mate” type partner ✗
The thing I did the best at was cultivating gratitude. I have been writing a daily gratitude journal each day and I’ve been diligent with the practice. This has helped me get through days when I felt tired or discouraged.
The thing I did the worst at was talking to strangers. I got sick starting in Zurich and was sick for a solid 5 weeks so I was mostly too tired to talk to strangers during that time. I did a great job of it on either side of that though, talking quite a bit with my live-in Airbnb hosts in Paris, meeting a stranger at a coffee shop in Strasbourg when he complimented my Altra running shoes, and making new friends at the live/work hostel I stayed at in Basel. Then in Belgrade, coming out of being sick, I stopped a woman to hug her fluffy chow chow dog and talked to her about “the economy” in Serbia vs the US. I also helped with a food photo shoot at a falafel restaurant (in which he gifted me a free bowl of delicious lentil soup in return!) and talked to the owner for a decent amount of time.
The dates!
During my trip, I worked full-time (4-5 days a week) launching my new consulting business, Tend Collective. So I haven’t just had endless free time to date and explore. I did what I could!
I also have been incredibly selective because I don’t want to go on any “bad dates”—a date in which there’s no connection and not even anything interesting to learn about each other because the vibes are too off. I succeeded in not having any bad dates! It meant going on fewer dates but it was worth it.
All the men are hereby named “John” in the appropriate language. Nothing I’m writing here would lead to any sort of identification of each person—keeping details very broad/generic.
Paris, France - 1 date was planned but didn’t happen
Jean 1
Strasbourg, France - no dates
Basel, Switzerland - no dates
Zurich, Switzerland - 2 dates
Juan 2
Ioannis 3
Innsbruck, Austria - no dates
Budapest, Hungary - 1 date, 1 almost date
János 4
János 5
Belgrade, Serbia - no dates but heavy texting with a match I had made in Paris
Jean 6
Sophia, Bulgaria - 2 dates
Yahya 7
Ioannis 8
Istanbul, Turkey - no dates but chatted more with a match from Belgrade I didn’t meet
Jovan 9
There were quite a few other text conversations that would have led to dates if I had stayed in a place more than few days. Staying for such short periods was a major limitation!
I’m going to mention whether my dates paid for the date because my current version of feminism includes men paying for dates. For a long time I would always insist on splitting the cost, and I even went through a phase where I wanted to pay for dates just to see what that felt like. However, it’s feminist to know that men make more money than women and have more power than women and they should pay for more things. I have always chosen low-paying “helping profession” jobs throughout my career in nonprofits or public health—industries dominated by women. Yes, I would like men, who likely don’t work in these sectors, to pay. I’m completely open to dating men who work in social and helping professions and who thereby might want to split the cost of dates! So, it’s context specific too.
Paris
Jean 1 | French | Age = early 40s | Hinge app
This was a date with a Parisian man, let’s call him “Jean 1”. We planned a Friday date that Monday to go to an album release party of a friend of his. It was at a bar/restaurant I’d been to and so was familiar with, so that felt like a good first date location to start off with. He was a commercial photographer and he shared his Instagram with me. I was surprised to find that he had taken a photograph I’d saved to my phone 2 months prior because I thought it was beautiful. That was such a fun coincidence!
So, Thursday came and went and he didn’t text me to solidify plans. I didn’t know if we were meeting at the event location or somewhere else first, or what time we were meeting. Friday was moving right along and I still hadn’t heard from him to confirm. Finally, at 4pm I texted him, “are we still meeting tonight?” I was out wandering around Paris. At this point it was already too late to make plans as it would take about an hour to get back to my Airbnb, and then another 30-40 minutes, at least, to meet somewhere. Especially in a city like Paris, so vast and busy, a woman needs some advanced notice!
We ladies do a lot to prep for dates because the beauty standard is so high. We shave our legs and armpits. We pluck errant chin hairs (if you’re late 30s+ like I am). We carefully plan outfits. We do our hair and makeup. It’s a lot of work and it all takes time and planning—especially as we have to craft it depending on the tone of the evening—fancy or casual. We need to know a lot of info in advance.
Jean 1 texted me back at 5 fucking 30 PM to say, “Yes, let’s do something. What would you like to do and where are you based?” As if we hadn’t made plans!!!
I did not text him back. A few added pieces of context: I was still jet-lagged (although I could have rallied), I was recovering from food poisoning, and it was pouring down rain (just absolutely dumping). I returned home, took a weed gummy, put something pleasant on my Bose headphones, and went to sleep.
He texted me at 8:30 AM the next morning to inquire as to whether I’d gotten his text and why I didn’t respond. Due to a conversation with attachment theory coach Elizabeth Gillette on my podcast in which she advised me to lean into conflicts and not let things go, and as a person in recovery from avoidant attachment style, I confronted him about not confirming our plans earlier. He brushed it off and didn’t take responsibility. It didn’t feel like he understood why that was rude behavior.
When we value people and care about them (the 1 thing my therapist said to look for in a relationship/partner), we value their time and their need to make plans. He wasn’t valuing me or my time. He did not understand that it was stressful to not hear from him—that there was no way I could have made plans to meet him that night based on a 5:30 PM text.
He asked if we could do a make-up date but by that time I was on a train to Strasbourg.
Juan 2 | Spanish | Age = early 50s | The League app
While in Paris, I matched with someone who lived in Spain on the app The League. I detail the video chat feature extensively in this post.
Strasbourg
No dates. Just wanted to quickly see this cute city.
Basel
I did get asked out by a really cute and interesting guy on OkCupid, but by the time we had connected enough through chatting for him to ask me out, I had already made plans to move on to Zurich. He checked in one other time during my trip then his profile disappeared so I won’t be revisiting that match! I hope he ended up dating someone seriously and that’s why he left the app! I want everyone to find the love they want.
While in Basel I continued doing video calls with Juan 2 and we agreed to meet IRL. He would fly to Zurich and we would hang out there.
Zurich
View from Mt Pilatus hike date.
So this is the part where I catch a cold and I’m sick for 5 FLIPPING WEEKS. Ugh!
Juan 2
I took Advil and made our dates happen nonetheless! Lots of tissues and sexy nose-blowing. At this point, I thought I could beat the cold quickly and get over it.
Day 1 we went for a walk and went out to a dinner at a place with a surprising anarchist vibe for being in straight-laced Switzerland on the lake. We had great conversations and got along really well. Afterward, we made out and talked on a bench on the lake, with the shimmering lights of the city reflecting back at us. Very romantic!
Day 2 we took a train to Lucerne and hiked Mt Pilatus. It was quite an adventure! Very fun! We then met his friend, with whom he was staying, for dinner at her gorgeous historic home in Zurich, talking late into the night about every interesting intellectual idea—it was just perfect.
Love a date who will take a photo of me without me having to ask!
In the end, I decided I didn’t want to keep dating but we agreed to be friends because we got along great. It was a great start to the Romance x Rail project! He was very kind, generous, and interesting to talk with. I would not have gone to the Alps otherwise and I think that meeting new people and going on dates can challenge us to do more than we might alone. I tend to be very adventurous on my own but it’s always interesting to see what comes together with two minds planning.
So, Juan paid for dinner and train tickets, lift tickets to get halfway up the mountain, bus tickets, post-hike beers—all of it. I felt exceptionally cared for and I was very grateful! It felt really nice. Not to mention that he flew to see me!
I was joking with friends about how extra of me it was to go to the most expensive city in Europe, the finance capital, and demand that my suitors come to me. I’m not mad at the vibe! It’s off-brand for sure.
Ioannis 3 | Greek | Age = late 20s | Met in the wild
One evening I was out getting a hamburger at a semi-fast-food type place, which is not my usual style. I’ve been battling iron-deficient anemia this year and am eating more red meat, even though I have been a vegetarian the majority of my life (just trying not to die!). I sat down and took a bite out of my burger when a guy sitting nearby approached me. “Hey, I noticed you and I really like your style and energy,” he said. “Can I sit with you?” I looked up at him mid-bite, shocked, and nodded.
He seemed nice and pretty cute so what the heck! He sat down and shared that he was from Greece and had just finished a PhD in a science field in Zurich. He never told me his age but he seemed YOUNG. Haha. I guessed late-20s, maybe 30 at most. Our conversation was fun and he asked if he could take me out for a drink. I agreed and he gave me a walking tour of the Old Town part of Zurich and took me to a gorgeous Art Nouveau bar.
This photo is not mine. I grabbed it from the internet.
After paying for the drinks he asked if we could go for a walk, which I know, because I’m 39 and I’ve been on a lot of dates, is code for, “find a semi-dark street and make out”. “We can go for a walk as long as it’s back to the train station,” I said. “I’m tired and I’d like to get back to my hotel and get to bed.” He was deflated but he still managed to find a semi-dark and quiet route back to the station. We stopped to look at ducks in the canal and I turned to him and said, “look, we can kiss, but I need you to know that I’m very sick with a cold.” This made him laugh nervously. This is the thing about such an age difference—when you get to be “middle-aged” you call things out. He shared that he had been standing there ruminating about us kissing. “Yeah, I know,” I said. “I know why we stopped,” giving him a smirk. This made him laugh again. So, he wanted to swap germs—that’s what feeling high on a date does (“High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction.”)—you lose some rational decision-making abilities—so we did.
Then I went home. Then I headed to Innsbruck.
Innsbruck
This is when I felt so, so sick! I mostly slept for 3 days and nights and didn’t meet anyone. I walked around the town and admired the snow-capped mountains, willing the fresh mountain air to heal me.
I felt that Switzerland had lured me into staying longer than I had planned due to how nice and comfortable it was and that I needed to make up for the high monetary cost of that by getting to Eastern Europe, where costs are lower, immediately. I skipped Vienna, knowing it was pricey, and took a train to Budapest, Hungary. (Vienna friends—I still want to come see you!)
Budapest
While in Budapest my cold was still raging but the symptom that made my head feel foggy was lifting. Life started to feel worth living again, lol. I wrote about my experience visiting a “Ruin Bar” here. (And the symbolism of my illness here).
I had a lot of great matching on dating apps here! A fun conversation with someone with whom we read many of the same books, a fun conversation with an activist about music, and several others.
The activist, János 4 (Hungarian, early 30s, Bumble app), was also sick at this time so we didn’t meet up. But he suggested that we make a “Spotify Blended Playlist” which felt surprisingly sexual! This is where Spotify makes an invite code that the other person accepts and then it makes a playlist based on the combined taste of each person (Spotify playlists having sex and producing an offspring, essentially). So that’s a flirty, fun tip for y’all! Make a Spotify blend on a date.
János 5 | Hungarian | Age = late 30s | Bumble app
I managed a real in-person date on my last night! We matched on Bumble and met for a walk along the Danube River that splits Budapest into its two halves: “Buda” and “Pest”. This was my introduction to the “Vague Date,” in which we don’t have any actual plans. I felt unnerved by it but once we met up I realized its low-stakes gloriousness. If we didn’t get along, we could leave after a few minutes. I enjoyed talking with him and he said he enjoyed talking with me. But he ended the walk in an abrupt and awkward way by saying he had to get back home, then leaving suddenly. I practiced some self-regulation, letting-go, and not taking it personally. He texted later to say he enjoyed the date and to “stay in touch” (the age old ambiguous phrase).
Makes me think of one of my all time favorite movie scenes: the 90s film Dumb and Dumber in which Jim Carrey’s character comes out of a 7-11 and has an awkward 1-sided interaction with a couple of guys out front before getting into his dog-shaped van. “Big gulps, huh? Alright…Welp, see ya later!”
The thing about putting myself out there and meeting strangers for dates is that there’s no avoiding awkward moments. We all have different communication styles or different abilities to communicate what we need and feel. It’s good to shake off awkward moments by just saying, “well that felt weird!” and moving on. “Welp, see ya later!”
Luckily, too, I have close friends waiting for me to text regular date updates who can hold space.
Of course, throughout this whole ambitious endeavor, I have to wonder how different things would be if I were to stay in each location longer—maybe a month in each place. So, some of the awkwardness is of my own doing. He did say, “when you come back to Budapest, we’ll go trail running.” After texting the next day that we both enjoyed the date and to “stay in touch,” I never heard from him again so it leaves me to wonder, “would we have gone out again, maybe trail running, if I had stayed longer in that city?” Or nah? Like, are strong connections strong connections no matter the proximity? Juan 2 flew from Spain to Switzerland to make it happen.
I will say that even though I’m impressed with the “Vague Date” premise, enabling dates to be short if needed, it’s just not as romantic as a real ass date: dinner, a museum, an activity…even coffee. I like walking! I love walking, actually. But it’s so low-effort. It’s like, “wow, could you have been any less excited to meet me?” But I get it too—it can be hard to tell from a dating profile so why not go super low-stakes then see about a real date. Thoughts? Opinions?
János 5 did not pay for anything as this date had zero costs.
Belgrade
Okay, you would not friggin’ believe it but as I was getting over my massive cold, I managed to catch a stomach bug. “Haaaaa!” - God, probably.
So I did not date in Belgrade. Instead I texted a whole bunch with someone I had matched with while in Paris, Jean 6 (French, late 40s, The League app), who told me to watch his Netflix movie (that he wrote). I sat in bed a lot and watched this Netflix movie (it was good!) and then, staying on brand for Romance by Rail, a series called The Railway Men, about the railway workers who saved lives amid the horrific 1984 chemical disaster in Bhopal, India that killed 15,000 people. The series is devastating, of course, but really well done. I recommend! I fell in love with 2 of the “railway men” who selflessly worked to save others even while chaos raged around them. They were so selfless, earnest, and good. They were my Belgrade dates.
I actually couldn’t wait to leave Serbia because people smoke INSIDE there. You could be sitting down at a healthy cafe, eating a salad and drinking a smoothie, and someone next to you will light up a cigarette—INSIDE! Insanity! They smoke a lot in Eastern Europe and Turkey, but there are typically separate spaces that are at least partially outdoors for smoking. Wild!
Sophia
Yahya 7 | Iranian | Age = mid 30s | Hinge app
This was a confusing one because I was getting friend vibes while we were chatting on Hinge and friend vibes when he asked me out. Friend vibes are more like, “hey we get along so we should meetup and keep talking,” but they’re not necessarily flirty. The implication is that it’s good to meet like-minded folks. That’s what this date felt like.
He arrived in Sophia from the city in Germany in which he lives and texted me. We both hadn’t eaten so decided to meet for dinner. He got a list of spots from someone at his hostel and I got a list from my Airbnb host. My list was better and he picked a spot.
Now…this was…this was the strangest moment of all the dates. I had let him know that I was in a work meeting until 7pm. I even let him know the neighborhood of my coworking office where I’d be coming from, which was the same neighborhood as his hostel. In my head that meant we could probably meet in that area and head to the restaurant together. When I got out of my meeting at 7:15pm and checked the messages I’d missed, he had let me know that he’d already gone to the restaurant and was waiting there for me. I still needed to pack up my things and the spot was a good 25 minutes away. I got there at 7:50pm. He had been there nearly an hour. It didn’t make sense. It stressed me out so bad that I almost canceled rather than meeting him.
While I wouldn’t call it a “bad date,” conversation felt a little stiff. I think we were both hangry by the time I got there. The food was very, very good! Possibly the best meal of my trip. When the check came, he asked the waiter if we could split the credit card transaction. The waiter looked at us like, “I don’t know where you think you are (no).” Miraculously, I had exactly 15 Euros in my purse that I gave him for my half. Bulgaria has their own currency but I had Euros left from an earlier stop. So this solidified the friend vibe! This was not a date. This was “hanging out”. Or was it…?
He had a very cool career in engineering—a very new and hip field that I didn’t know existed. (So, he could have grabbed the check).
One fun part of the date was trying Bulgarian hard liquor together, “rakia”.
Rakija is produced from fermented and distilled fruits, typically plums and grapes, but also apricots, pears, cherries or raspberries.[2] Other fruits but less commonly used are peaches, apples, figs, blackberries, and quince. Common flavours are šljivovica and țuică, produced from plums,[3] kajsija, produced from apricots, or grozdova/lozova in Bulgaria, raki rrushi in Albania and Kosovo, lozovača/komovica in Croatia, North Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina all produced from grapes.[4][5] These are the same as "Zivania" in Cyprus. (Wikipedia)
After dinner we walked to a brewery. He pulled a bottle of nail polish out of his pocket and asked me if I “knew how to paint nails.” It felt like he was fishing for me to paint his nails which I absolutely did not want to do so I brushed him off (no pun intended).
Due to past awkward dates with engineers, a good friend of mine actually gave me a “no engineers” rule, which this broke, but reminded me.
No dating engineers. For me. You can. They’re great! Lovely people. I just can’t date them. It’s never worked.
Weirdly, this is the guy who texts me the most. We have a near-daily conversation on both WhatsApp and Instagram. And he’s flirty over text so maybe it was a date. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Ioannis 8 | Greek | Age = early 30s | Bumble app
I went on a fun date here and this is maybe my funniest dating story. We met for a walk (the ol’ “Vague Date” strikes again!) that turned into coffee (he paid!) that turned into dinner (he paid!) that turned into listening to Steely Dan on his couch (the most me thing ever, if you know me).
He then put on a mix of “classic rock” music (60s-80s) and we proceeded to make out on his couch. I needed to leave at some point and get all packed up to depart on a bus to Istanbul early in the morning so that was lingering in the back of my mind. While we were making out, the sappiest song of all time, Wings’ Silly Love Songs, came on. The lyrics, to jog your memory:
You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs
I look around me, and I see it isn't so
Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs
And what's wrong with that?
I'd like to know, 'cause here I go again
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
Halfway through the chorus of repeating “I love you’s” I stopped the make-out sesh abruptly. It was just a little too intense with those lyrics and I was not down for that intensity. I stood up. “Well, I should get going!” And I put my shoes on, and I left. Hahaha.
This was the most fun date I’d been on with the strongest connection. We seemed to make each other laugh and could play “yes, and” pretty well. We texted a few times since but I don’t think we’ll meet again. We’re in different life places with different dating goals.
Istanbul
Once in Istanbul, my goal was to get a bunch of work done in preparation for taking time off for the wedding trip in New England. So I was not focused on setting up dates. However, I did chat more extensively with a Serbian guy I had matched with on OkCupid while in Belgrade. Jovan 9, early 30s. We chatted about our shared love of nature which was great.
So that was it! That was the end of my wild dating trip across Europe!! I had no idea how it would go. I was not expecting to get so sick—that made it really hard for sure. But I put myself out there over and over, got through many awkward moments, had a lot of fun, learned a lot, met new people, had adventures, and kept moving.
Tallies
Nationalities of the men I went on IRL (In Real Life) dates with:
Spain - I
Greece - II
Hungary - I
Iran - I
Hair color of the men I went on IRL dates with (to establish whether I have a “type”):
Gray - I
Med-Dark Brown - II
Brown/Red - I
Black - I
Blonde or Light Brown - 0
Red - 0
Did we kiss?
Yes - III
No - II
How I connected with the men I went on IRL dates:
The League app - I
Bumble app - II
In the wild (out in real life) - I
Hinge app - I
OKCupid app - 0
Average age:
36 (I’m 39, for reference)
Date asked me questions about myself while on the date:
Asked questions - IIII
Didn’t ask questions - I
Date paid for the date:
Paid - III
Didn’t Pay - I
No costs - I
