Cleansing the Heart: A Symbolic Purge for a Fresh Start in Love
“Where are your dating blogs?” friends keep asking me. I’ve been in Europe now for almost 4 weeks and I have little to show for it.
I wasn’t planning on having health issues when I made my 8-week itinerary from France to Istanbul. But I’ve been so, so sick most of the time! Life is so often like that—just when we think we know what track we’re on, it pulls a switch putting us a different route.
I got severe food poison on day 2. The culprit? A bag of cashews I purchased my first day in Paris. I know now, after a bit of internet sleuthing, that cashews can often lead to food poisoning. Nuts retain some moisture after processing and that can lead to mold growth. Mold will grow especially in dark, enclosed spaces, like say a little, sealed plastic bag. Now I know why Trader Joe’s puts all their nuts in clear packaging—light prevents mold. A few days after I realized it was the cashews, my dad sent me a photo of a cashew recall at Trader Joe’s. They had been contaminated with salmonella. Who knew cashews could be so risky?!
A friend suggested this could be a symbolic purge to start my journey. So I started to think about what I wanted to leave behind.
Then I got sick again…this time a runny nose that developed into a tiring cold, moving into my lungs. I’m on day 12 of using about 50 snot-rags a day (actually, a lot less now but it’s still so annoying). The weird part is that everyone else seems to have the same cold. Matches on dating apps are saying they’re sick with a cold or flu and I’m hearing sniffles just about everywhere around me.
“This cold, damp climate is the reason Europeans left for the ‘New World,’” I always think when I come here and inevitably get sick. But more likely it’s just particular germs my body doesn’t have resistance to yet.
So, purging again, through my nose. So, so much purging.
In ayahuasca ceremonies, attendees bring a purge bucket because vomiting is a guarantee. It’s seen has a symbolic, spiritual ritual. Medicine is administered in the evening, purging happens through the night, and spiritual warriors greet the sun with a renewed sense of meaning and purpose—with fresh insights about limitations needing their attention.
The physical cleanse is seen as essential to the spiritual healing practice. Participants are instructed to eat a special “dieta” before ceremonies, omitting certain foods.
purge, transitive verb. to clear of guilt; to free from moral or ceremonial defilement.
Purge has a second, more violent political definition relating to populations of people. I have been feeling sick in my heart about the United States funding Israel’s genocide of the Palestinian people. Maybe my grief has come out through my body as illness. And whether or not this is true or spiritually true, it’s a reminder that I need to take some time to process this grief. Emotions can get stuck in the body—especially feelings of helplessness. 67% of Americans want a ceasefire. Our government isn’t listening. And it’s all so horrifying and hard to take in.
Animal Spirit Sign - Dead Crow
A couple of weeks ago I was on a walk in a park in Switzerland and came upon this dead crow on a park bench. I’ve never encountered one before. I took time to admire the beauty of this animal and wish its spirit well on its journey.
I believe in animal signs so I looked up the meaning.
“An occurrence in which one sees dead crows is typically not a sign that something bad will happen, but rather an omen of change. Dead crows are often seen as messengers, specifically heralding the coming of a new era or event in one’s life. Dead crows have been known to represent death and transformation. In some cultures, they also signify being free from bondage or restriction. Seeing dead crows can be interpreted as a sign of change on the horizon.” (source)
I honor you, Dead Crow, and I take your message that death of an old self is here and transformation is arriving, perhaps at the end of this body sickness.
And in matters of love and the heart, what am I shedding?
Cynicism - that there isn’t love available for me, that dating is too hard, that the apps don’t work, or that men just suck these days. These cynical thoughts aren’t helpful and they won’t bring me what I want. I read The Source by Tara Swart before embarking on this journey. She reminded me of the power of mindset, saying, “Directing our thoughts can influence not only our perception of ‘reality’ but also our material life circumstances, our relationships, and the situations we attract into or tolerate in our lives. The way we think determines our life. This is a simple idea, but a powerful one.”
Ruminating about past relationships - I first learned about this thing called “the phantom ex,” when I read the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in 2017. Those of us who tend toward avoidant attachment can spend so much time in our heads that we create imaginary perfect partners, especially pulling from past relationships filling in ideal scenarios, and forgetting all dysfunction. I would like to let past relationship thoughts come and go—no dwelling. Getting to know someone new reminds me so much of the fun, early stages of past relationships and there’s a lot of grief there. Hmm…more grief to process. I need to do that.
Abandoning myself - this time around I keep my best habits going. Sometimes we can be so excited about a new person that we neglect the habits that are necessary for our sanity. Keeping routines: running, yoga, eating healthy food, not drinking much alcohol, time with friends and family.
Moving too fast - I have tended to fall fast into love and not evaluate whether it would be a good long-term partnership. Too much emotional or physical intimacy too fast can muddle our rational minds and make us feel closer to someone than we actually are. It takes time to get to know a whole person. Slow, slow, slow way down this time around.
Needing a partner to parent me - while I would have never said this was what I was doing, it’s what I was doing. I was recently enlightened by the book You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Internal Family Systems (IFS) founder Richard Schwartz. I read it this recent past December (it came out last year). So many lightbulb moments as I realized that we each have a responsibility to soothe ourselves and deal with our own emotional baggage—partners can’t do that for us. We often choose partners that remind us of our parents, say, if you have an aloof parent, you’ll pick an aloof partner, or with alcoholism, or any number of characteristics. We do this because we want the opportunity for reenactment and redemption—we want to create the scene with a chance to, this time, get the perfect love we always needed. The problem is, this doesn’t work—we end up retraumatizing ourselves instead. Partners can’t magically fix old wounds and dysfunctional relationships are, more likely than not, going to stay that way. We must give ourselves the love we always needed—imperfectly. IFS is the only modality of therapy I’ve experienced that provides a methodology on how to successfully do this. Read my blog about finding sanity through IFS here.
Black and white thinking - I would like to be open to more nuance, gray areas, and the ability to disagree. This feels lost on a cultural level right now, but personally, I have been known to mentally discard people for holding different viewpoints. I’m ready to purge this.
Staying quiet - I asked attachment expert Elizabeth Gillette during an interview on the podcast I cohost, Latchkey Urchins & Friends, what should I be on the lookout for, as someone who has avoidant attachment traits. She said avoidants tend to people please, stay silent, and ignore conflict. This is actually already proving hard for me but I’m committed to changing it and speaking my truth more often, inviting conflict in, and holding firmly to my needs. This also includes being more open and bold about what I’m looking for in my next relationship.
Overanalyzing - my therapist has been helping me with this. Us intellectuals can do this—analyze everyone when we just need to live in the present moment, take action, set a firm boundary, or let someone go.
Picking up the slack - I’m no longer going out of my way to make my date comfortable, fill in the conversation, move the conversation along, or give them the benefit of the doubt. Overperforming tends to mask a bad match. I will meet my dates where they’re at and then I’ll be able to clearly see whether it’s a good match or whether it was me doing all the work the whole time.
What else should go on my list? What are some poor habits and mindsets that hold us back from finding romantic love?
