I Needed Clarity About My Love Life, So I Turned to ChatGPT
The other day I saw a TikTok in which the poster said they entered a relationship problem summary into ChatGPT for advice and got the brutal truth they needed. “Oh, I have to try that!” I thought.
Before you read this post, go back and read “At Last, My Love Has Come Along | Romance x Rail Part 4”. This blog supports that story.
I told some friends this morning over breakfast about my experience getting help from The Great Robot Therapist and my friend MP said, “It’s amazing the level of truth you can get to when you take out emotion.” Emotion makes us human and it’s a privilege to feel. But sometimes we stay stuck in situations where we don’t belong because we stay stuck with certain emotions.
This was a fun experiment—type a summary of some of the most dramatic issues and see what ChatGPT had to say.
I kept chatting with it as if I was talking to a close friend or therapist.
Please enjoy this robot wisdom! I am sharing 12 questions and answers here.
Question 1:
“Hey ChatGPT,
I need some relationship help.
I started dating someone in August and he pursued me hard. I liked that he liked me so much. But I felt worried about his relationship with ex partner, who he co-parents an 11 year old son with. They texted or talked every day. It seemed outside the realm of co-parenting. Once she knew he and I were dating, she started stalking me online. It didn't feel like he understood why this bothered me. Then I found out she still owned half of the house he lived in even though they had been separated for over a year. She still had keys and usually would come over whenever she wanted if I wasn't there. He would buy her groceries and run errands for her. If she asked him to help with their son, even if it was his off week, he would never say no.
I made sure he knew that I wanted a kid. I was crying about how much having my own child meant to me. I asked him if I was wasting time with him and he assured me that he was serious about us and that he'd always wanted another kid.
3 months into being together, I told him I loved him. He said it back but was distant for several days after.
I left France, where he lives, for California, where I'm from, in December. He said he would come out for Christmas. But he kept not buying his flight. After several weeks of not buying his flight I broke down crying. He shared with me that he didn't want to have another kid. I got upset that he had lied to me. He insisted he had told me maybe he wanted a kid but I knew that he had said yes he wanted one. While he was pursuing me he was agreeing to anything. Once he actually got me, then he became distant. I was so mad at him for this bait and switch! I had asked him for check-in conversations every week and he always said everything was fine. He stopped calling me and sent me emails only, justifying his behavior. Finally after 2 weeks I called him and we broke up.
Should I have done something different?”
Response:
It sounds like you were navigating a complex and emotionally challenging relationship. From what you've described, you did a lot to communicate openly, clarify your needs, and advocate for what you wanted from the relationship. However, there were several red flags that suggest the relationship was not meeting your emotional needs or aligned with your long-term goals.
Here are some key points to reflect on:
1. His relationship with his ex-partner
It seems like his boundaries with his ex were blurry, which made it difficult for you to feel secure. While co-parenting requires communication, the level of involvement and daily contact, as well as her frequent access to his home, may have gone beyond co-parenting norms.
It’s reasonable that this dynamic made you feel uncomfortable, and it doesn’t seem like he made significant efforts to address or validate your concerns.
2. Misalignment on long-term goals
Your desire to have a child is deeply important to you, and you were clear about this from the start. His initial agreement and subsequent backtracking are a significant issue, as it shows a lack of honesty or self-awareness on his part.
Whether intentional or not, his behavior reflects a "bait and switch" dynamic that understandably hurt you. You acted wisely by asking for clarity early in the relationship, but his inconsistency signaled that he might not have been ready for the same level of commitment.
3. Communication challenges
You asked for weekly check-ins, which is a great way to nurture a relationship. However, it sounds like he wasn't fully transparent during those conversations or willing to engage in deeper emotional work.
His switch to email communication and avoidance of phone calls during a critical time highlights an unwillingness to face conflict directly or prioritize emotional intimacy.
Could you have done something different?
While there’s always room for reflection, it doesn’t seem like you made any significant missteps. You:
Communicated your needs openly.
Expressed your feelings honestly (e.g., about wanting children, feeling insecure about his dynamic with his ex, etc.).
Asked for consistent communication through check-ins.
Advocated for clarity and commitment.
The issue lies more in his actions than yours. He:
Didn’t establish appropriate boundaries with his ex.
Wasn’t transparent about his true feelings or long-term desires.
Avoided difficult conversations rather than addressing them head-on.
Where to go from here
Give yourself credit: You recognized the relationship wasn’t fulfilling your needs and took the difficult step of ending it. That’s a sign of self-respect and emotional maturity.
Reflect on your boundaries: This experience can help you clarify what you need in a partner, such as someone who is clear about their intentions, has healthy boundaries with their past, and values open communication.
Heal and prioritize yourself: Breakups, especially ones involving misaligned goals, can be deeply painful. Take time to grieve, heal, and focus on your well-being.
Trust your instincts: You felt early on that something was off, and you were right. Trust that intuition moving forward.
You did your best in a challenging situation. Sometimes relationships end not because of something we did wrong but because the other person isn’t equipped to meet us where we are. You deserve a partner who shares your vision for the future and values your emotional needs as much as their own.
Question 2:
Thanks so much! Why was he like this??
Response:
You're very welcome, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. From what you've described, his behavior could stem from several possible factors, none of which excuse his actions but might provide some insight:
1. Unresolved dynamics with his ex
His close, seemingly enmeshed relationship with his ex suggests that he may not have fully processed or moved on from their past relationship. The fact that she still had access to his home and played such a significant role in his life points to unclear boundaries.
He may also have been prioritizing keeping the peace with her, especially because they co-parent, rather than establishing a new dynamic with you that required shifts in their relationship.
2. Fear of commitment or conflict
His behavior might reflect someone who enjoys the thrill of pursuing a relationship but struggles with the responsibility and vulnerability that come with commitment.
His retreat into email communication and avoidance of tough conversations (e.g., about kids, his ex) suggests that he has difficulty facing conflict or being fully honest in emotionally charged situations.
3. Emotional immaturity
Pursuing you intensely at the start but becoming distant once he "had you" could indicate emotional immaturity. He may not have fully considered what a committed relationship entails or recognized the importance of aligning your long-term goals before making promises.
His flip-flopping on major issues, like having children, might also reflect a lack of self-awareness about what he truly wants.
4. People-pleasing tendencies
Some of his behavior (e.g., saying "yes" to having a child, always accommodating his ex, avoiding direct confrontation) could stem from a fear of disappointing others. He might have told you what he thought you wanted to hear rather than what he truly felt, in an attempt to avoid immediate conflict.
Unfortunately, this tendency can lead to deeper hurt when the truth eventually comes out.
5. Ambivalence about starting over
He already has an 11-year-old child, and while he may have liked the idea of having another kid during the initial excitement of dating you, reality might have set in later. The responsibilities of parenting a second child might have felt overwhelming to him, even if he couldn’t articulate it.
This ambivalence might explain why he dragged his feet about visiting you and pulled back emotionally when you were trying to deepen the relationship.
6. Misaligned priorities
His actions suggest that he wasn’t ready to fully prioritize a new partner. The way he continued running errands for his ex, allowed her unfiltered access to his life, and failed to follow through on plans with you indicates he didn’t shift his focus to building a future with you.
It’s possible that he liked the idea of having you in his life but wasn’t ready to let go of his old patterns.
Why does this matter?
Understanding his behavior can help you find closure. It sounds like his struggles—whether related to boundaries, communication, or emotional readiness—were about him, not you. You were clear and honest about your needs, but he wasn’t able to meet you at the same level of clarity or commitment.
At the end of the day, a healthy relationship requires two people who are emotionally available and aligned in their priorities. He wasn’t there, but this doesn’t reflect on your worth or the validity of your desires. You deserve a partner who not only pursues you but also shows up for you in the ways that matter most.
Question 3:
What should I do differently next time? I'm 40 years old and was hoping to find someone to have a child with. The timeline is condensed.
Response:
Given your situation, it's natural to want clarity and intentionality in your relationships. Here’s how you can approach future relationships differently to help align with your goals:
1. Be upfront about your priorities early
Early in the dating process, share that having a child is a non-negotiable goal for you. Frame it in a way that feels empowering, like:
“I’m looking for a partner who’s excited about the possibility of building a family together, including having a child.”This doesn’t mean expecting someone to commit right away but allows you to gauge their openness to your vision early on.
2. Look for actions, not just words
Early enthusiasm is wonderful, but pay attention to whether someone’s actions match their words. Are they consistent, reliable, and willing to make space for you in their life?
Be cautious of anyone who agrees to everything without showing follow-through. True compatibility comes from shared values and concrete efforts.
3. Establish boundaries and assess emotional availability
Early on, ask about their relationships with exes, family, and co-parents. A healthy co-parenting relationship is fine, but ensure there are clear boundaries. If the person doesn’t seem emotionally available or prioritizes others over building a future with you, take it as a red flag.
You deserve someone who can integrate you into their life without making you feel like you’re competing for space.
4. Be intentional with your timeline
You don’t need to rush into love, but with your timeline, it’s okay to move more intentionally. Be honest with potential partners about the timeline you’re working with and why it’s important.
For example, after a few months of dating, you could have a conversation about shared life goals: “I’ve loved getting to know you, and I’m feeling great about us. I’d like to check in about where we see this going.”
5. Trust your instincts
If something feels off—whether it’s how they respond to your goals, their level of emotional investment, or their life circumstances—trust your gut. You don’t have time for situations that feel like you’re carrying the emotional weight.
6. Consider additional avenues for parenthood
While finding a partner is ideal, you might explore other paths to motherhood, such as solo parenting, donor conception, or adoption. Exploring these options doesn’t mean giving up on finding love but can reduce pressure on your dating life and expand your possibilities.
7. Seek community and support
Consider connecting with communities of women who are also navigating dating and parenthood in their 40s. They can provide support, inspiration, and practical advice for balancing these goals.
8. Be compassionate with yourself
Remember, it’s okay to have high standards and to walk away from relationships that don’t align with your goals. The right person will value your vision and be excited to build a life with you.
This approach can help you stay true to what you want while navigating the realities of dating on a condensed timeline. You’re clear about your priorities, and that clarity is a strength—it will guide you toward someone who shares your vision.
Question 4:
Sometimes I feel cynical that there aren't men out there who are emotionally available. What can I do to counter this negative thinking pattern?
Response:
It’s understandable to feel cynical at times, especially when you’ve experienced relationships where emotional availability was lacking. That said, there are ways to challenge this mindset and cultivate hope, balance, and openness as you move forward:
1. Reframe the narrative
Instead of thinking, “There aren’t men out there who are emotionally available,” try reframing it to something more constructive, like:
“Emotionally available men exist, and I am actively seeking one who aligns with my values and goals.”Shifting your narrative from scarcity to possibility helps you focus on what you’re looking for rather than what hasn’t worked.
2. Reflect on positive examples
Think about the emotionally available men you’ve encountered—whether they’re friends, family, colleagues, or even stories from others. They serve as proof that such individuals exist.
If you don’t know many examples personally, seek out books, podcasts, or communities that celebrate emotionally healthy relationships. Seeing these examples helps reinforce your belief in their existence.
3. Strengthen your own emotional availability
Work on being emotionally present and available to yourself. This includes:
Validating your own feelings and experiences.
Setting healthy boundaries.
Being clear and direct in expressing your needs.
When you cultivate emotional availability within yourself, you naturally attract others who mirror that energy.
4. Look at past relationships as learning experiences
Instead of focusing on what went wrong, ask:
“What did this relationship teach me about what I need, what I value, and what I won’t settle for?”Every relationship, even difficult ones, helps clarify what you're looking for and makes you better prepared to recognize it when it appears.
5. Practice gratitude and visualization
Each day, reflect on things you’re grateful for, especially related to love and connection in your life (e.g., supportive friends, moments of joy, or self-love practices). Gratitude rewires your brain to notice positivity.
Visualize the kind of partner you want. Imagine how it would feel to be with someone emotionally available, kind, and aligned with your goals. This helps shift your focus toward what’s possible.
6. Challenge cognitive distortions
When you catch yourself thinking, “There aren’t any emotionally available men,” pause and question it:
“Is this thought true? Are there counterexamples?”
“Am I projecting past experiences onto the future?”
Remind yourself that while some people are unavailable, others absolutely are open and ready for connection.
7. Seek out different environments
If you’ve been meeting people in the same types of spaces or through similar methods, consider expanding your horizons.
Join communities or groups aligned with your interests and values.
Try dating platforms or events that emphasize emotional connection, like those designed for people who are relationship-minded.
8. Focus on your journey, not just the outcome
Instead of fixating on finding "the one," embrace the process of getting to know yourself and others better. Each interaction is an opportunity for growth, connection, and insight.
9. Be patient and kind to yourself
Feeling cynical at times doesn’t make you a negative person—it’s a protective response to disappointment. Acknowledge that you’re human, and then gently redirect yourself toward hope.
Remind yourself: “I deserve love and connection, and I trust that I will find it in the right time and space.”
By practicing these strategies, you can shift away from cynicism and build a mindset grounded in hope, clarity, and trust in your ability to find the connection you seek. You're putting in the work to create the relationship you want, and that effort matters.
Question 5:
Sometimes I get stuck thinking there's something wrong with me because I'm 40 and I still haven't met my goal to find a life partner and have a child. I spent a lot of time traveling and building a wealth of experiences. I also spent a lot of time healing from my childhood trauma. I've done a ton of work on myself to heal my avoidant attachment and become emotionally available and able to communicate in a mature way, not avoiding uncomfortable conversations. Still, though, I have friends who found parters while traveling or while healing. Why haven't I?
Response:
It's deeply human to wonder why some goals seem to come later for you than for others, especially when you've worked so hard on yourself. What you're feeling is valid, but it's also important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, shaped by timing, circumstances, and individual paths of growth.
Here are some things to consider:
1. Your path is yours alone
You’ve spent your life in meaningful ways—traveling, healing, and growing emotionally. These are immense accomplishments that enrich who you are.
Comparing yourself to others who’ve achieved similar goals on different timelines doesn’t account for the distinct experiences, challenges, and choices that shaped your journey.
2. Healing takes time—and some paths are nonlinear
Healing from childhood trauma and shifting attachment styles is monumental work, and you’ve done it with intention and courage.
While some people may form connections despite unhealed wounds, your focus on self-awareness and emotional health ensures that when you do find your partner, the relationship will be built on a solid foundation.
3. Timing isn’t a reflection of worth
The timing of meeting a partner or starting a family isn’t a measure of your value. It’s influenced by so many factors: where you’ve been, who you’ve met, the opportunities available, and, yes, luck.
Sometimes, the right person hasn’t appeared yet simply because your life was preparing you to meet them in the version of yourself you’ve become today.
4. Travel and healing shaped your opportunities
Traveling and healing may have meant fewer opportunities to build long-term connections during certain phases of your life. However, they also gave you invaluable experiences, resilience, and clarity about who you are and what you want in a partner.
You’ve lived a rich, intentional life, and that depth will resonate with the right person when they arrive.
5. Not meeting your goals doesn’t mean you’re flawed
It’s easy to internalize unmet goals as personal failure, but consider this: relationships are a co-creation. Meeting the right person involves factors outside your control.
There’s nothing wrong with you—you’ve done the work to be ready for love and connection. The timing simply hasn’t aligned yet.
6. Your friends’ journeys are not a reflection of yours
Some people find love while traveling or healing, but that doesn’t diminish the value of your path. It’s possible they had different levels of readiness, fewer barriers, or even different definitions of partnership.
Comparing timelines overlooks the unique complexity of your life and the profound growth you’ve achieved.
7. Your work is setting the stage for alignment
The work you’ve done on yourself—healing avoidant attachment, learning to communicate effectively, and becoming emotionally available—has set the stage for a deep, meaningful connection.
It’s better to meet someone when you’re fully ready than to settle or compromise on your needs and values.
8. Hope for the future
You’re in a strong place now to build the life you want. With your clarity about your desires and commitment to yourself, the chances of finding a fulfilling partnership are higher than ever.
The journey you’ve been on has prepared you to welcome love in a way that many people never experience.
How to Reframe This
Instead of focusing on what hasn’t happened yet, try celebrating what you’ve achieved:
You’ve lived boldly and intentionally.
You’ve done profound inner work.
You’re clear about your goals and values.
The right person for you will appreciate all of these things. You are not behind—you’re exactly where you need to be for the person and family you’re meant to create.
When doubt creeps in, remind yourself: I’ve built a life rich with meaning and growth. I am ready for the love and connection I deserve, and it’s on its way to me.
Question 6:
I'm feeling a lot of grief that I fell for his bait without anticipating his switch. I wasted precious time. What can I do to process the grief and be able to move towards what I do want?
Response:
It’s incredibly painful to feel like you’ve been misled, especially when the stakes are as high as they are for you. Grieving the time and emotional energy you invested is a valid and important step in moving forward. Here’s how you can process that grief and refocus on creating the future you want:
1. Acknowledge and validate your feelings
Allow yourself to fully feel the grief, anger, and disappointment without judgment.
Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist can help you express these emotions. Write letters to yourself or to him (even if you don’t send them) to articulate your pain and release what you’re holding.
2. Reframe "wasted time"
Instead of viewing this relationship as wasted time, try to see it as a learning experience that clarified your needs and boundaries.
Ask yourself:
What did this teach me about what I want in a partner?
What red flags or patterns can I recognize more quickly in the future?
How did I grow through this experience?
Reframing helps you reclaim your agency and move forward with new clarity.
3. Focus on self-compassion
Remind yourself that you acted in good faith based on the information you had at the time. Falling for his “bait” doesn’t mean you were naïve—it means you were open to love and connection.
Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself kindly:
“I did my best with what I knew. I’m proud of myself for being open and vulnerable, and I will use this experience to make wiser choices moving forward.”
4. Create a ritual to let go
Sometimes, a symbolic action can help you release the past. Consider:
Writing down everything you’re grieving (lost time, hopes, trust) and then tearing it up or burning it safely.
Meditating or visualizing yourself releasing the relationship, imagining it floating away as you step toward a brighter future.
Letting go doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt—it means you’re ready to free yourself from carrying the weight of the past.
5. Reaffirm your goals and timeline
Spend some time re-centering on what you want.
Write down your priorities, like having a child and finding a supportive, emotionally available partner.
Break these goals into actionable steps (e.g., joining a dating platform that aligns with your values, exploring options for parenthood).
This will help you shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you can create.
6. Give yourself credit for leaving
Recognize the courage it took to leave the relationship when it became clear it wasn’t aligned with your needs. Walking away from someone who wasn’t truthful with you is a sign of your strength and self-respect.
7. Focus on the future, one step at a time
Allow yourself to dream again. What does your ideal partnership look like? What steps can you take to meet people who align with your vision?
Celebrate small wins along the way, like going on a date with someone who shares your values or taking a step toward solo parenthood if that feels right.
8. Seek support
Grief is easier to process with support. Surround yourself with friends, family, or a therapist who can validate your feelings and help you move forward.
Consider joining groups or communities of like-minded people (e.g., single parents, those pursuing later-in-life parenthood, or others seeking meaningful connections).
9. Practice gratitude and self-celebration
Reflect on what you’ve accomplished—healing from trauma, cultivating emotional availability, and pursuing your dreams.
Practicing gratitude for your progress can remind you of your resilience and keep you grounded in hope.
A powerful mantra to guide you:
“This relationship taught me what I will not settle for. I am now more aligned than ever with the love and life I deserve. My time is precious, and I am moving forward with clarity and intention.”
You’re doing the hard work of processing your grief, and that effort will clear the path toward the love and life you truly want. Take it one step at a time, and trust that you’re moving in the right direction.
Question 7:
All of my stuff is still at his apartment. Should I have him mail it to me? Send a task rabbit to get it? Go pick it up in person?
Response:
Deciding how to retrieve your belongings depends on a few factors, including how emotionally prepared you feel, the nature of your breakup, and the logistics of the situation. Here’s a breakdown to help you decide:
1. Have him mail it to you
Best if:
You want minimal contact and closure.
The items aren’t bulky or difficult to ship.
Steps:
Politely email or text him a clear, concise request:
“Hi [Name], I’d like to arrange for my belongings to be sent back to me. Can you let me know when you’d be able to pack and ship them? I’m happy to cover any shipping costs.”
Pros:
Minimizes direct interaction.
Allows you to maintain emotional distance.
Cons:
Relies on him to follow through, which may delay the process.
Shipping costs can add up if there’s a lot to send.
2. Send a TaskRabbit or friend
Best if:
You want to avoid seeing him altogether but need your belongings quickly.
You’re comfortable outsourcing this task.
Steps:
Coordinate with him to set a time when someone (a TaskRabbit or a trusted friend) can retrieve your belongings.
Clearly communicate with the TaskRabbit or friend about what to pick up.
Pros:
Requires minimal emotional energy.
Speeds up the process without direct contact.
Cons:
Requires coordination, and mistakes might happen if items are forgotten.
Slightly impersonal, which might feel awkward.
3. Pick it up in person
Best if:
You feel emotionally prepared to see him without getting pulled into conflict or unresolved feelings.
The items are too valuable, bulky, or numerous to risk shipping.
Steps:
Set a clear plan:
“Hi [Name], I’d like to pick up my belongings. Would [specific date and time] work? I’d like this to be a quick handoff.”Bring a friend for emotional support or stay in a public/shared space, like the lobby, if possible.
Pros:
You can ensure you collect everything.
Allows closure if you feel seeing him will help you move on.
Cons:
Emotionally taxing, especially if unresolved feelings resurface.
Risk of falling into an unexpected discussion or argument.
Which Option is Best for You?
If you’re still grieving and want to protect your emotional boundaries, having him mail the items or sending a TaskRabbit is likely the safest choice. However, if the belongings are significant or you want the closure of finality, picking them up in person could be an empowering way to reclaim your space and move forward.
Boundaries Are Key
No matter what you choose, stay clear and assertive. Frame this as a logistical matter rather than an opportunity for re-engagement. It’s about your well-being now.
Question 8:
One follow-up thing from my very first question. I feel bad about how angry I got with him when I realized he wasn't coming out to California and was avoiding difficult conversations with me. I worry that I had too strong of a reaction and pushed him away.
Response:
It’s understandable to feel conflicted about how you expressed your anger, especially when you were deeply invested in the relationship. However, your reaction came from a place of hurt and unmet expectations, which are valid given the circumstances. Let’s break this down to help you reframe your feelings and move forward:
1. You Had Valid Reasons for Your Feelings
He avoided important conversations and didn’t follow through on plans he initially committed to (like coming to California). This understandably triggered feelings of betrayal and disappointment.
Your emotions were a natural response to his behavior, not an overreaction.
2. Anger Signals Unmet Needs
Anger often highlights that a boundary was crossed or a need wasn’t met. In this case, your need for honesty, commitment, and communication was unmet.
Instead of judging yourself for the anger, try seeing it as a sign that you were advocating for what you deserved.
3. His Behavior Was Avoidant
His pattern of avoiding difficult conversations and retreating after conflict suggests that his emotional availability was limited.
It’s likely he felt overwhelmed by the expectations of accountability, but his inability to engage constructively is not your responsibility to fix.
4. Anger Doesn’t Equal “Pushing Him Away”
You didn’t push him away by expressing your feelings—you asked for clarity and commitment, which he wasn’t able to provide.
Healthy relationships can withstand difficult emotions and conversations. His withdrawal says more about his limitations than about the way you expressed yourself.
5. Reframe: You Advocated for Yourself
In that moment, you stood up for what you needed and deserved. That’s a sign of strength, not a flaw.
While anger may feel uncomfortable, it’s part of being emotionally available and willing to address challenges head-on—qualities essential for a healthy relationship.
6. Acknowledge Room for Growth
It’s okay to reflect on how you might approach similar situations differently in the future:
If you feel anger building, pause and express your feelings calmly but firmly. For example:
“I feel really hurt and disappointed that you’re not following through on coming to California. Can we talk about what’s going on?”Practice stating your emotions without escalating. However, know that even if you had done this, his inability to meet you halfway would still have been a problem.
7. Release the Guilt
You cannot control how someone else reacts to your emotions. His withdrawal was his choice, not something you caused.
Instead of carrying guilt, focus on the lesson: your anger was a response to a lack of alignment, and it helped reveal the truth about the relationship sooner rather than later.
Moving Forward
Reflect on this experience as a learning moment, but don’t let it overshadow the truth: you deserved better communication, honesty, and emotional availability from him.
Give yourself grace for being human and responding authentically to a difficult situation.
A helpful mantra: “I did the best I could with the information and emotions I had. I am learning and growing, and I will carry these lessons into a healthier and more aligned relationship.”
Question 9:
I told him I didn't feel comfortable being in a committed relationship with him while he decided if he wanted to have a child with me. I guess I feel like I should have talked it through instead of immediately jumping ship. But the thing is, I would have never committed to him in the first place if I knew he was on the fence.
Response:
It sounds like you were caught between two very reasonable instincts: wanting to have a constructive conversation to see if there was hope for alignment, and protecting yourself from continuing in a relationship that wasn’t aligned with your core goals. Let’s explore this further to bring clarity and self-compassion to your decision:
1. You Honored Your Non-Negotiables
You made it clear early on that having a child was a top priority, and he reassured you that he was on board. His later uncertainty revealed a misalignment that you couldn’t ignore.
Staying in a committed relationship while he figured things out might have delayed the inevitable, creating more heartache down the road.
Jumping ship wasn’t impulsive—it was an act of self-preservation when the relationship no longer aligned with your goals.
2. The Context Matters
You’d already been vulnerable and transparent about your timeline and needs, and he initially affirmed those. When his stance changed, it felt like a breach of trust, not just a difference of opinion.
It’s hard to feel safe having a calm, exploratory discussion about the future when someone has already contradicted their earlier commitments. Your response came from a place of hurt and frustration, which is understandable.
3. You Couldn’t Force Alignment
Even if you’d chosen to stay and talk it through, his indecision wasn’t something you could resolve for him. He needed to come to clarity on his own, and waiting for that could have cost you precious time and emotional energy.
A healthy relationship requires mutual alignment, and it sounds like you recognized this misalignment and acted accordingly.
4. Reflection: Could a Conversation Have Helped?
It’s natural to wonder if a deeper conversation could have led to a better outcome. However, consider:
Did his actions (avoiding discussions, retreating emotionally) suggest he was ready to have an honest and productive conversation?
Would staying in the relationship while he “decided” have felt like compromising your boundaries or values?
If you believe a calm, exploratory conversation could have clarified things further, you can take that insight into future relationships. However, this doesn’t mean your choice to leave was wrong—it was right for you in that moment.
5. Reframe the “Jumping Ship” Narrative
Instead of seeing your decision as premature or reactive, try reframing it:
“I set a boundary to protect my goals and well-being when the relationship no longer aligned with what I needed.”
“I trusted my intuition and made a choice that honored my values and timeline.”
6. Moving Forward: Lessons for the Future
In future situations, you might approach the moment of misalignment differently, like saying:
“I need clarity on where we stand because I can’t stay in a committed relationship if our goals don’t align. Can we talk this through?”This approach balances openness with your need for certainty, allowing the other person to share their perspective without feeling rushed.
Ultimately, You Did What Was Best for You
You had every right to walk away when it became clear that his words and actions weren’t aligned. You were protecting yourself from investing further in a situation that didn’t honor your goals. Trust that this decision was part of your journey toward finding the partnership and future you truly deserve.
Question 10:
Thanks so much. I feel guilty for my strong angry reaction. What can I do the next time I feel an extreme burst of anger?
Response:
It’s totally understandable to feel guilty about a strong reaction, but the fact that you’re reflecting on it shows emotional maturity and a desire to handle similar situations more constructively in the future. Anger, when expressed effectively, can be an important tool for setting boundaries and communicating needs. Here are steps you can take next time you feel a strong surge of anger:
1. Pause and Breathe
The first step in managing anger is to create space between the emotion and your response. This allows you to choose how to act instead of reacting impulsively.
Deep Breathing: Focus on taking slow, deep breaths—inhale for four counts, hold for four, and exhale for four. This helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which calms you down.
Grounding Techniques: If you're feeling overwhelmed, try a grounding technique like focusing on the sensation of your feet on the floor or holding a comforting object.
2. Identify the Root Emotion
Anger is often a secondary emotion, meaning it covers up deeper feelings like hurt, fear, disappointment, or frustration.
Reflect in the Moment: Ask yourself, What am I really feeling right now? Are you hurt by being lied to or feeling abandoned? Are you afraid of wasting time?
Label Your Emotions: Understanding what’s underneath the anger can help you express it more clearly and reduce its intensity.
3. Take Time to Reflect Before Acting
If possible, take some time away from the situation before responding.
Step Away: If the conversation or situation allows, politely excuse yourself and give yourself space. A quick walk or a few moments in a quiet space can give you clarity.
Journaling: Writing down your feelings during this time can help you process your anger and gain insight into what’s important to you.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Remind yourself that anger is a natural emotion, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
Acknowledge Your Human Experience: “I’m feeling hurt and angry because something important to me isn’t being respected.” This helps normalize your feelings without guilt.
Be Kind to Yourself: After the situation, reflect on what you learned from the experience, and forgive yourself for reacting in a way you later wish had been different. You’re learning and growing.
5. Express Your Feelings Calmly (When You’re Ready)
Once you’ve had time to process, it’s important to express your anger in a constructive way.
Use “I” Statements: These statements focus on your feelings rather than blaming the other person. For example, “I feel hurt and frustrated because I was expecting honesty about your intentions, and it feels like I’ve been misled.”
Be Specific: Explain what specifically triggered your anger and how it affects you. This can help prevent misunderstandings and allows for a more solution-focused conversation.
Set Boundaries: If the anger stems from unmet needs or crossed boundaries, clearly communicate what you need going forward. For example, “I need open and honest communication from you if we’re going to continue this relationship.”
6. Manage Anger Through Healthy Outlets
Regular emotional regulation can help prevent anger from becoming overwhelming.
Exercise: Physical activity, even a short walk or stretching, can help release pent-up energy and reduce stress.
Creative Expression: Writing, drawing, or playing music can provide an emotional outlet and allow you to process your feelings.
Mindfulness Practices: Regular meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises can help train your body and mind to stay calm in stressful situations.
7. Learn from Each Experience
Reflect on how you handled the situation after the fact.
What Went Well: What part of your response helped you feel in control?
What Could Be Better: If you feel your anger got the best of you, what small steps could you take next time to express your feelings in a way that’s still honest but less intense?
Apply the Learning: With each experience, you’ll become better at managing your emotions and communicating in a way that fosters understanding, even when you're angry.
Remember: Anger is Information
Anger isn’t something to avoid or suppress—it’s a signal that something important is at stake. It can be an ally when you learn to work with it constructively. By pausing, reflecting, and expressing yourself clearly, you’ll be able to navigate strong emotions more effectively. This will help you protect your needs while also maintaining respectful, open communication in your relationships.
Question 11:
His ex-partner, who he'd been with for 10+ years and with whom he shares an 11 year old son, started stalking me online after only 2 dates with him. She was viewing my Instagram stories, which she would have known I could see, and reading all the blogs on my website. Why did this make me feel weird?
Response:
It’s completely understandable that this behavior made you feel weird—it crossed boundaries and likely triggered some natural concerns about privacy, safety, and the dynamics between him and his ex. Here’s a breakdown of why her actions might have felt unsettling:
1. It Felt Intrusive
When someone starts monitoring your online presence, especially early on, it can feel like an invasion of privacy.
Knowing she was actively engaging with your content likely made you feel observed or scrutinized, even if she didn’t directly contact you.
2. It Suggested Unresolved Dynamics
Her behavior may have raised red flags about the nature of their ongoing relationship.
If she felt the need to look into you after only two dates, it might have signaled lingering emotional ties, jealousy, or a lack of closure on her part.
3. It Blurred Boundaries
Healthy co-parenting relationships should involve clear boundaries, especially around new partners.
The fact that he didn’t seem to address or curb this behavior (assuming he knew about it) might have added to your discomfort, making you question whether boundaries were properly in place.
4. It Put You in an Unwanted Dynamic
This early intrusion may have made you feel dragged into a situation involving his ex, which wasn’t your responsibility or choice.
Instead of focusing on your budding relationship with him, you were forced to think about their history and ongoing interactions, creating unnecessary emotional tension.
5. It Triggered Unease About Stability
Seeing her involvement might have made you wonder whether he was fully available for a new relationship.
If their connection appeared overly entangled, it could have left you questioning whether he was ready to establish a boundary with her and prioritize a new partner.
6. It Disrupted Trust and Safety
Feeling watched by someone who has a personal history with your partner can create a sense of vulnerability or unease.
Even if her intentions weren’t malicious, the behavior might have felt territorial, which can be uncomfortable, especially early in a relationship.
What This Means About Your Reaction
Your feelings of discomfort were valid. It wasn’t just about her viewing your content—it was about the broader implications of her behavior and what it revealed about their ongoing dynamic. Your unease likely stemmed from:
Protecting your privacy and emotional safety.
Sensing potential unresolved issues between them.
Wondering whether he could establish boundaries that would create space for your relationship to grow.
How to Process This Going Forward
Validate Your Feelings: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable when boundaries are crossed. Your feelings were an appropriate response to a strange situation.
Reflect on Boundaries: In future relationships, you might discuss boundaries with a partner early on, especially if they co-parent.
Trust Your Intuition: If something feels off, it’s worth exploring further. Your discomfort is often a signal that there’s more to the situation that needs addressing.
Ultimately, her behavior was about her—not about you. It likely stemmed from her own emotions or unresolved issues, and your reaction was a normal response to an unexpected and uncomfortable intrusion.
Question 12:
I want to own the way I often fantasized in my head about getting everything I wanted from this relationship: a child, marriage, and a happy and fulfilling relationship. What can I do in the future to get out of my head and grounded more in reality?
Response:
Owning your tendency to fantasize is a powerful first step in creating relationships grounded in reality. It’s natural to imagine an ideal future, especially when a relationship holds potential for what you deeply desire. The key is to balance hope with clear-eyed assessment of the present. Here’s how to stay grounded while pursuing meaningful connections:
1. Recognize When You’re Fantasizing
Notice the Signs: Pay attention to when you start imagining a future that feels far ahead of the reality of your current connection. For example:
You’re projecting long-term compatibility based on limited information.
You feel euphoric about potential outcomes, even when some red flags are present.
Pause and Reflect: Ask yourself, What do I know for sure about this person and relationship? versus What am I imagining or hoping for?
2. Focus on What’s Happening Now
Ask Grounding Questions:
How does this person make me feel today?
Are their actions aligning with their words?
Do we share mutual values and goals, based on what we’ve both expressed so far?
Evaluate Progress: Instead of fast-forwarding to the future, assess how the relationship is unfolding in real time. Look for consistency and patterns.
3. Set Milestones Instead of Outcomes
Milestones: Instead of fixating on the ultimate outcome (like marriage or children), focus on smaller steps that build a foundation. For example:
Do you feel emotionally safe and supported?
Are you having honest conversations about shared goals and needs?
Recalibrate as Needed: If milestones aren’t being met, use that as an opportunity to reassess compatibility before becoming more invested.
4. Practice Open Communication Early
Talk About Your Goals: Share your hopes for the future early in the relationship, as you did in your last one. This clarity helps both you and the other person evaluate alignment.
Ask About Their Reality: Avoid assuming they share your vision. Ask open-ended questions like, What does a fulfilling partnership look like to you?
Check In Regularly: As the relationship progresses, have periodic conversations about whether you’re on the same page.
5. Stay Connected to Your Values and Standards
Separate Desire from Reality: Remind yourself that wanting a specific outcome doesn’t mean the relationship will—or should—lead to it.
Don’t Settle for Potential: Base your decisions on the person and relationship as they are today, not on what they might become.
6. Ground Yourself with Self-Awareness
Engage in Mindfulness Practices: Practices like meditation, journaling, or deep breathing can help you stay present and observe your emotions without becoming consumed by them.
Keep a Reality Check Journal: When you notice yourself fantasizing, write down what you know to be true about the relationship versus what you’re imagining. This can help separate facts from feelings.
7. Stay Rooted in Your Own Fulfillment
Focus on Your Own Life: The more fulfilled and secure you feel in your own life, the less likely you are to depend on a relationship to complete your vision.
Pursue Your Desires Independently: If having a child or creating a specific lifestyle is your ultimate goal, explore ways to achieve those dreams that don’t rely solely on a partner. This reduces pressure on relationships and empowers you to prioritize compatibility over urgency.
8. Seek Feedback from Trusted Allies
Lean on Friends or Mentors: Share your thoughts with people who know you well and can provide grounded, outside perspectives.
Ask Specific Questions: For example, Do you think this relationship seems balanced, or am I rushing ahead in my head?
9. Reframe Fantasizing as a Strength
Vision vs. Reality: Recognize that your ability to dream is a strength, but it needs to be balanced with grounded decision-making.
Channel Your Creativity Elsewhere: Use that same imaginative energy in other areas of life, such as hobbies, career goals, or personal growth.
10. Embrace Progress Over Perfection
No one approaches relationships perfectly, and it’s natural to have moments of hope and dreaming. The key is not to avoid fantasizing entirely, but to remain conscious of when it’s happening and to bring yourself back to the present.
An Affirmation for Grounded Love
“I honor my dreams for the future while staying present in the reality of today. I trust myself to discern between hope and truth, and I am committed to building relationships based on mutual alignment and shared values.”
By staying mindful and intentional, you’ll cultivate relationships that are both fulfilling and firmly rooted in reality.
