Things I did as an insecure person that just did not help the situation
I'm still fairly insecure and sensitive but I have come a long way from my teens and 20s to where I am now in which I love and respect myself a lot more.
I look back and see all the ways I made situations a lot more dramatic than they needed to be, or a lot more cold and hurtful. I did a lot of strange stuff out of self-protection of my fragile outer shell.
I guess at some point, maybe receiving enough therapy and coaching I finally realized, "am I just going to go through my whole life offended and hurt by everything? How will I grow if I can't take feedback? What am I so worried about?" But first I had to do a lot of work to make my insides stable, my sense of self solid and grounded.
Looking back here's some weird shit I used to do that just did not help.
pretending I didn't care or wasn't mad
pretending I didn't feel emotions
needing to be "chill"
fuming on the inside instead of talking it out
not asking for what I needed
fearing rejection
being afraid of upsetting anyone
being cold and reserved
putting people down behind their backs
complaining and whining without problem-solving
seeing the worst in others
screaming obscenities at my boss (seriously I've done this)
screaming obscenities at my partner
getting in and staying in situations in which I felt I needed to scream obsenities
getting profoundly upset when receiving feedback or criticism
worrying what other people think about me
trying to mind-read and guess the negative things other people are thinking about me
assuming people are mad at me without asking them
I still do a lot of these things but at least now I'm aware that they simply: don't work. They don't get me a life I like and they don't get me the things I want.
Stuff that works:
caring how people are doing just the right amount (neither dismissive or clingy)
acknowledging and appreciating my rich inner feeling world
noticing when I feel feelings and letting them be there
noticing when others have feelings and not taking them personally
reading people's body language
noticing when I feel strong emotions and am regressed, triggered, or have my fight/flight/freeze mode activated
taking time out when I am in a heightened state of emotional arousal
saying, "We can talk about it later, I need time"
taking mental health days
planning mental health days in advance
assuming people are okay
seeing the best in everyone
complimenting people
being vulnerable--sharing the thing that hurts to share, the thing that chokes me up or the thing that's embarrassing
offering compassion to myself when I slip up
meeting people where they're at
sharing with others all the dumb things I do so I don't internalize embarrassment that transforms into shame
communicate directly and specifically
asking for what I need as soon as I realize I have a need
acknowledging that my needs are important
knowing that we need to collect a lot of "no's" before we get the "yes" that's perfect for us
learning all the ways to say no and saying them often
verbalizing clear boundaries
asking for honest feedback that can help me grow
I look at these lists and I see a new emotional intelligence. I used to think I was emotionally intelligent in the past when I wasn't. Absorbing and internalizing other people's states is not emotional intelligence. Noticing the nuance of how my body feels in each moment and attempting to label that feeling with an accompanying emotional word, words, or experience, is. The more I get to know myself, the more deeply I see the truth of what others are experiencing. I don't have to absorb their state to see it and help them feel seen. I see a new ability to set and keep boundaries.
When I was numb, when I was pretending I was fine, when I was always seeking a high feeling...my emotions would find a way to the surface eventually and it was never pretty. I still errupt sometimes but it's less and less. And I can get back on track quicker and with more compassion.
In public health I'm learning that people need new skills, knowledge, and attitudes in order to experience behavior change.
I would say my behavior change has been less addictive allthethings, less pushing people away, less loneliness and dark thinking, less running away over and over, less being up in my head, more taking action, more presence, more taking chances, more trying new things.
The skills that helped:
how to communicate
how to emotionally coach myself
how to sit with uncomfortable feelings
The knowledge I needed:
emotional vocabulary
psychology
physiology
The attitude:
from cynical to optimist
from seeing the worst to seeing the best
from despair and futility to wonder and awe
from "I can do it myself!" to "I need help"
from fear to safety
Even as I type this I'm thinking, "Omg I can't believe I reacted like that [today/yesterday/this week/this month]. That was from such a place of fear and insecurity." But now I have the skills to say to myself, "it's okay Alison. Something triggered your fear response and you were doing your best to feel safe and that is a wonderful thing that you care enough about yourself to want to feel safe. What are you needing? What were you needing in that moment? What was a littler version of you needing way back when that she didn't get that created this present moment of fear?"
And then the inner peace comes.
