The script you need to reverse a thought shame spiral

A thought shame spiral is when I ruminate in my mind on how terrible, incompetent, lame, worthless, embarrassed, and small I am, typically while lying or sitting, immobilized. Sound familiar? From talking with lots of other folks, I have discovered they're pretty common!

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder by every psychiatrist I've ever seen (4, to be precise). This is to say, I know my stuff when it comes to shame spirals! 

Shame spirals have been a destructive force in my life. They have left me paralyzed and lying in bed for hours. They have left me procrastinating instead of taking action. They have left me in silence when I needed to speak up. They have held me back when I needed to move forward.

Just this year I had a big insight after a conversation on shame spirals with my friend and co-worker Simon. We both worked at Cal Poly last year and carpooled every day so we got to have some good deep talks. Carpooling is good for the soul. I recommend it.

The reason carpooling is good for the soul is because if you are around the same person enough, you will (hopefully) feel safe enough to get into the deep stuff instead of staying on the surface. And if you can get into the deep stuff, the probability of having a major insight is significantly higher.

Alone, my insights are much smaller. In conversation with others, my thoughts get mirrored back to me in a way I can't do on my own. I get to see them with more clarity. This is also why therapy rules.

So in conversation one morning on the drive to work I suddenly realized: my shame spiral thoughts always sound the same! They always include the phrase: "there must be something wrong with me". They typically include, "because [fill in the blank]".

My [fill in the blanks] are usually related to comparisons to some sort of standard ideals. They may include:

• There must be something wrong with me because I'm not married yet and all my friends just got engaged.
• There must be something wrong with me because I'm in grad school in my mid-30s while everyone else has a career.
• There must be something wrong with me because other women in yoga class are thinner, hotter, and can do cooler poses.
• There must be something wrong with me because I'm having a personal conflict with this person and I should figure out how to never have a conflict again.

None of these are true or rational. And while it's okay to strive to be better and to think about things I want in life such as a committed relationship and a strong yoga practice, a shame spiral is different because it makes me worthless if I don't have things perfect right now.

In lucid dreaming practice, teacher and author Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, teaches that if we go around saying "this is a dream," even when awake, we can teach ourselves to say it in our dream and that helps us have a lucid dream, or a dream in which our mind is aware that we're in a dream--like being awake but in the dream world. I have practiced this and it works! I always thought lucid dreaming was made-up. Turns out it's legit. Wild.

In the same way, knowing that "there must be something wrong with me" is my shame spiral script every. damn. time. helps me wake up from the spiral, the dream. 

How to stop a shame spiral:

1. Identify. Know what your shame spiral thoughts sound like. Mine always include the words "there must be something wrong with me." What about yours? 
2. Label. While a shame spiral is happening it's important that the self-behind-your-thoughts, that inner "self" can label the shame spiral thoughts as "shame spiral".
3. Reverse. Much like saying "oh hey, I'm dreaming right now!" in lucid dreaming, you gotta be able to say, "these thoughts are not real. I know they feel real, but they're just an illusion."
4. Take action. Get up. Go do something to distract yourself. Call a friend. Journal. Meditate. Read an inspiring passage. Sprint down the block. Do 34 push-ups. Go for a jog. Go for a drive. Drink a cup of tea. 

The script you need:

1. "Hey these thoughts sound familiar..."
2. "Oh hello shame spiral old friend, it's you again. I recognize you by the way you always say _______."
3. "You're just a trick! You're not real. I label you, thoughts, 'shame spiral'."
4. "I understand that you're reacting from a place of fear. It's okay to feel afraid." Breathe into the fear. Feel what it feels like in the body.
5. "But this is just an old habit that no longer serves me. I am a strong adult now. I can handle this and there's nothing wrong with me."
6. "Buh bye shame spiral!" Get up. Move your body. Or imagine yourself feeling strong and powerful in your body first then see if that helps you take action.

I have been doing this exact practice since May of this year (as I write it is November). At first it could take me 20-30 minutes to get out of the shame spiral (in college sometimes I'd stay in bed ALL DAY in a shame spiral). But now I can reverse it in minutes or seconds! It's a matter of practice. 

So don't expect it to go perfectly each time. Just aim for 1% better each time. Start with gentle, compassionate awareness and go from there. 

What helps me is to call this practice: "diligent practice," which I learned from Angela Duckworth's book, Grit. So if I'm in a spiral, and I feel resistance to doing the reverse process then my deep inner self can say, "this is my diligent practice," and that helps motivate me to follow the steps even though the shame spiral thoughts feel very real and strong.

The practice part means I'm focusing on the process, not the result. The diligent part means that I know I can only move forward if I'm consistent in my practice.

May this practice help you with any negative downward thought spirals that keep you stuck! You got this!